surviving myself

i have a fear of abandonment
you see
like many people do
except
instead of clinging
when i feel forgotten
i alienate
i isolate
i build more & better
walls
higher & thicker
walls
because
you see
if you can’t get in
you can’t hurt me
if i never let you in
you can never
leave
me.

this one is dedicated to the last therapist i fired after he cancelled an appointment with me without telling me why. i was going through a hard time anyway & kinda spun out on him.
at an early age my frankenstein’s monster complex kicked in. “if i cannot inspire love, i will cause fear…”
or just turn invisible as was the case for me.
the more my parents ignored me, the more invisible i became.
my little sister became the squeaky wheel…i became the invisible girl.
my method has literally never worked out for me.
but
i persist. because, for an invisible girl, i am persistent in making myself even more miserable.
now
now i am trying to take some walls down…but even as i do, little setbacks get me to stirring the concrete & setting the bricks anew….

metaphors galore…a good name for a band.

6 thoughts on “surviving myself

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  1. Most everything I have read of yours (including this one) feels familiar and has historical significance with my life experience. Grok. Same building up and tearing down of walls. We (humans) just want to feel good. Yet everything changes…Buddha says that is the cause of our suffering…..and those darn angels with the flaming swords blocking our way to the Tree of Life…..metaphors are cool. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you! i’m actually less isolated since covid as it has forced me to find a support system & to provide a support system. i am normally more isolated than i have been since covid. but i imagine for a lot of people it has resulted in more isolation.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh how I can relate to this. After I got sick in 2017 I had bad anxiety over the illness and thought I’d better speak with someone. First person was supposedly not anti gay despite working at an eccumenical center, I thought OK why not, generally not fan of male therapists but didn’t want to be closed minded. After second appt where he kept saying ‘you as a homosexual’ I just couldn’t. Second therapist was whacky woman who kept missing appointments and seemed to be addicted to something. Third was scared, hiding, timid afraid of big-bad-lesbian-me (all five five of me) wasn’t until forth that I had decent experience even then not great but too tired to tell my story again! Sad that a good therapist is SO HARD TO FIND. Wish they could learn how important it is to be decent or hang up your shingle!

    Liked by 1 person

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