letting go….

on screen ninja fights
zombies swords flash save the world…
meanwhile, life wasted

i’ve been spending my day sorting through files & files of stories. some are just a couple of words, an idea. some are complete & surprisingly well written stories. i have found that a lot of my stories have a similar voice. i am taking those snippets and adding them to a novel i am working on with the same voice.
threading it all together.
i am also posting some of them over on my patreon site & considering some for possible publication?
this haiku was in the middle of a file full of short stories/flash fiction i had written back in a time i used to submit to the site Helium all the time.

i am pretty sure it is about my ex-husband & my feelings about his video game addiction.
pretty sure.
& this was not the only written piece i found obsessing about my ex-husband & the wrongs he did to me.

which brings me to my tarot card reading for the beltane new moon. a lot of good stuff in this reading.
but the bad stuff…not letting go. the moon crossing me warns about it…so does the card in my “near future” position of the spread.
so i wonder. what is it that i am not letting go of? all i can think of is this anger i still have toward my ex-husband.
how do i let go?
i truly want to.

some time later…

okay, so! i was quietly obsessing about all the stuff i should be doing here at my mom’s house as squatter/care-taker, when i thought, “maybe that’s it…maybe i am stuck here–actually stuck at this place.” worrying about the lawn, the wet basement, and then reminding myself, “it’s not my goddamned property, monkey-boy!” (buckaroo banzai)…. my mom called me the other day about the basement & spent the entire call bitching about my sister who is trying her best to care for my mom. my mom said, “she was never my favorite.”
what the fuck, mom?
she also bitched about dad dying & leaving her to deal with this house & property that she wanted to sell years ago. i kind of agree that that was a shitty thing to do.
the next day, as i was attempting to meditate (meditation is surprisingly difficult for my loud brain to do,) my phone rang with “pure evil” coming up on the screen. so i kept on trying to meditate, but got a sick feeling in my stomach. my mom left a message, but before i could check the message, i checked my email where my sister (or brother-in-law as they share an email) emailed me to say, “don’t answer the phone!”
so i deleted the message from my mom without listening to it.

long story short, my mom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me & i know damn well that i was never her favorite either.
she only calls me on occasion when no one else will listen to her.
so why am i stressing out trying to care for a place that is not mine for a woman who can’t stand me?
i am free to leave.
but it’s not easy leaving a place where i don’t have to worry about rent & utilities & keeping a roof over my four minions’ heads….
have i sold my soul for a free place to live? it kind of feels that way.
it kind of feels like that scene in labyrinth where sarah is in her “bedroom” & has forgotten her quest because she is surrounded by superficially comforting “things.”
or, as i wrote a couple days ago, it feels like “hotel california.”
i have often compared this experience to the shining as well….
and there in my tarot spread, you can see. i am stuck in “opposition” while change is my conflict card.

change should not be a conflict for me. i love change.

so i have chosen a third town as a possible new home. i was going to road trip there tomorrow, but the forecast calls for storms & rain today & the two days after.
i am stuck.
the basement might flood again if i am not here.
but how long can this go on?
i tried to mow the lawn today, and the mower died. am i going to hire someone to repair it? or someone to mow these acres of grass?
or am i just going to walk away?

i want to just walk away.
i really truly do.
so why do i feel so stuck?

2 thoughts on “letting go….

Add yours

  1. Emje, I would love to give you words of wisdom; but as one “stuck” soul to another, know that I feel that way too and find myself in a similar place! Winning the lottery? Just heading out the door? These are thoughts that sometimes sniggle their way into my brain as I desperately seek a way to get unstuck. The first is unlikely. The second is pure escapism but will never happen. Ah, here’s a thought coming from someone who also had a mom who was deeply dissatisfied with life and who complained bitterly ~ where ever you go, that is what you have to resolve ~ your feelings of conflict about her (you may be surprised that your ex and your mom may have some scary things in common ~ or not ~ mine did) and what that means to you and your kids. My mom’s been gone for over two years now and I’m still processing much of my upbringing and sifting through the impact of her fear, resentment and bitterness that I absorbed growing up. There’s a lot I’m trying to let go of and change and move ahead instead of staying stuck in the bitter corners of my psyche. At least a little light and fresh air get in on occasion; and I have hope! And just so you know, I do love my mother very much and have forgiven her; I even understand where she was coming from in general (I think); but dear God!, what unwanted gifts she gave me that I struggle with today! Anyway, Well wishes to you and your children! I have faith that you’ll find a way to not only get unstuck, but to be successful, happy and fulfilled in your endeavors! It’s a journey, right? Your writing and expressing yourself in your art and words I think is such a gift to us all! I’m glad I found you and I hope that so many others do as well. Do you know who Brian Andreas (Story People) is? I love his work and his words and you might check him out if you get a minute. 🙂 Mona

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you ❤
      my ex-husband is a lot like my mom. i "let go" of my mom a long time ago. her toxicity had damaged me enough, & i chose to take care of me. but then while in a tight spot, i agreed to move to her house & function as a glorified house-sitter. i regret that decision because it went against my keeping myself safe from her. now it is time for me to move on, and it is more difficult than i realized.
      but anything worth doing is worth working for.
      i will check out brian andreas–thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

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