gender bending

my first boyfriend
wore face powder
& lip gloss
(i still remember
the smell of kissing him)
his hair
was longer than mine
but once i shaved
off all
my hair
every one of my boys
had hair
longer than mine
because i so loved
the girly boys
with their long
slender
fingers
& their long
batting
eyelashes
every once in awhile
i dated
a chiseled-chin
dimpled cheeks covered
in manly stubble
all the more fun
to dress
them in
lacy lingerie.

this poem was inspired by a completely harmless innocent tiny little crush on my gender fluid editor-to-be…because i wouldn’t be me if i didn’t develop inappropriately intimate feelings for someone i am to be working with….

meanwhile, the ryan renolds movie marathon continues. (i watched the nines last night & loved it. i am pretty sure i am also a nine & that i have created y’all)
i bet ryan renolds would look hot as fuck dressed in “women’s” clothes….

in other news, i am having dizzy spells & my head feels weird…so i’m pretty sure i have a tumor. here is a conundrum…how does a hypochondriac know when they are actually sick? my anxiety manifests as physical symptoms…but what if i really am sick & just dismissing it as stress-induced?…(see how that can spin out fast?)

also, my lawn really really is supposed to be mowed by conventional standards, but i have a hard time thinking about mowing down all those innocent flowers.
if it weren’t for ticks & mosquitoes, i would totally have a wild as fuck lawn.

may the fourth be with you.

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5 thoughts on “gender bending

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  1. so…i have no one really to talk to about this, but my neighbor just came out this week saying he was trans and I was super supportive until i learned his (i mean HER) sexual orientation was still to females.
    sometimes i dig edgy chicks too, with the short pixie cut and sharp cheekbones.
    but then i started feeling like he was hitting on me, the way i’ve learned by society how a man tries to butter up a girl he likes, which made me a little uncomfortable.

    i didn’t know that MtF trans could like females. im still learning about all this.

    i felt suddenly like there was a wolf in sheep clothing. for the last few days i’ve been picking out dresses with Sarah (that’s her preferred name) and playing video games thinking this beautiful creature is a godsend, i was lonesome and needed a friend
    and then Sarah starts hitting on me like a dude.
    If i was to deny it felt like getting hit on by a man, than that means i’m denying my nature as a woman.
    Ever since i’ve come to this conclusion and refuse to compromise how i feel for the sake of pleasng a man OR woman, i’ve lost 3 of my trans friends. They’ve called me “hateful” “transphobic” which makes no fucking sense because i literally had fun picking out dresses with Sarah and even helped her with sizes. I wouldn’t do that if i was transphobe.
    No it didn’t get weird until it felt like my space was invaded, that this person needed me to validate themselves as a woman person.
    your poem just reallly reminded me of my current situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i’m so sorry for that! i totally get what you’re saying. i used to date a really abusive guy who was into girls who looked like lesbians. he claimed to be a lesbian trapped in a man’s body when in fact he was just an asshole with a unique angle.
      i have also lived with a man (roommate) who decided he was a woman & then a few weeks later went back to being a homosexual man. i really think he just did it for the attention as he was a person who was all about himself.
      i love gender fluidity…but i don’t like when people just use it as a means to get attention or to be abusive.
      i am so sorry you experienced that.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. i do want to add that i identify as gender fluid. when i was five, i knew i was a girl, but i did not know i was not-a-boy. most of my life i have been way more comfortable in masculine roles than in feminine ones. when i try to be “girly” i feel false.
      in response to your experience & my own, i think that any group of people will have assholes & insincerity. there are always going to be some people who try to take advantage–but the jerks are just a small percentage of the population.

      Liked by 1 person

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