death wishes

i usta sit
by darkened
winter windows
this same window
i now make art
with the light of
eons ago
i stared at the dark
reflecting little me
reflecting damaged me
back
waiting for him
to come home
praying
he would not
come home
death wishes
for daddy dearest
&
only forty years later
wishes
granted.

yesterday as i was driving back from dropping off the minions, my cell phone rang & “pure evil” came up on the screen.
i did not answer.
when i got home, i listened to the message. my mom, telling me that she thought he was asleep, but that my dad is dead.
that’s my mom, phoning around for a reaction before actually calling the paramedics.
so…my dad is dead.
don’t say you’re sorry, because i am not & if you say you’re sorry, it will only make me feel like a bigger shit.

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18 thoughts on “death wishes

  1. I have consistent nightmares. They’re fairly awful and make me feel like a child. What adults have nightmares more nights than they don’t? Well, me. They will keep my up for hours and sometimes the rest of the night. Some are about my father havejng expoements done on him often in derelict environments, the others are me liking my mother in a variety of ways. They are equally disturbing but there are reasons that those two particular nightmares plague me.
    Just wanted to leave this purely for you, ❤️ not for what’s happened to your father. Just an embrace for you.
    And you know, off the subject because subject changes can be our saving grace sometimes, one of my favorite things I’ve seen today is the word ‘usta’. The word of the day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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