i want to just
no one loves me
i’m alone
so alone
& no one
not ever
reaches out
just to say
“hey–are you okay?”
i’m damaged
hurt & confused
it’s no fucking secret
i struggle
& no one
not ever
just for the fuck of it
checks to see
if i’m still
i’m alone
so alone
i have

i’m going through some rough shit right now. i don’t know what’s wrong with me.
i spent yesterday reading through select years of my journals to see if i could figure it out.
i don’t seem to be an inherently bad person. just stupid. so why does everyone gravitate away from me?
why does everyone leave me?
or just have nothing to do with me to begin with. not even the other lepers want to deal with me. i always think i am ghosting–but no one saw me in the first place.
(except for the narcissists. they usually stick around. which is all the more damaging as it turns out.)
what is wrong with me?

if i had a friend or a sister who was alone in the country with four kids, i would fucking check up on her. why does no one ever do that?
it makes me cry.
i have been crying for days now.

17 thoughts on “disappeared

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  1. Sounds like you are trapsing through an emotional mine field. I also look thru my old journals at time to see what sort of pattern exists that causes me to be the way I am. Sometimes it helps, other times it’s for shit. That being said and being somewhat of a professional narcissist…I can’t begin to fully understand what you are going thru. Finally, I have to ask you Emje — are you okay? XO!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thanks
      i’m not very okay right now…but i am hoping to get it sorted out. my head is kind of full of wild horses running in about a dozen different directions & my life is overwhelming…but…you know….

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey- here’s my email. Let me be your check in buddy. I could use one too. We can be artsy, farting happy depressed moms and people together. Heck we’ll be pen sisters. Yes! Pen Sisters!! almaplain07@gmail.com. Seriously. You got this, woman! Everybody needs a rest now and then. Even in the music of our souls.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i’ve been meaning to thank you for your other donation. that was super sweet! i did use the last one to get art supplies. mostly yellow ink & paper ❤ (i'm a bit of a creeper too–so no judgement here)


  3. I’m so very sorry you are feeling this way. I definitely understand. Honestly, I’ve been feeling kind of the same way. Unfortunately, all of my immediate family is dead (other than my NPD mother), so I understand why they don’t check on me, but I still feel alone. I’ve never been good at making and keeping in life friends since graduating school. I fear being too demanding or annoying to others, so I try to not make demands on anyone, but that leaves me isolated. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you!
      i just learned how to ask friends for help (also fearing i was being annoying)–but i’m not very good at it & everyone is so busy with their own stuff that it doesn’t really help. i’m hoping once i move back to a town, i can have some flesh & blood friends to bug. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am often there in that tar pit and come in and out of it, drowning drowning drowning, then managing to come up and draw a big lungful of air, and bob around with my nose out of water for a while before I go back down. Good news is I spend less time there now than I once did. I call it The Nothing, the place where you struggle to make anything matter. What keeps me alive is those brief times when my whole head and shoulders,maybe even my heart, are out of the pit, everything matters enormously, illuminated from within, shining with meaning and love. I try to hope that the real state of our souls is that sunlit one, and the tar pit is what it looks like when all my defense mechanisms are in their energy-sucking motion, and all the demons are gnawing and ridiculing, effectively preventing me from seeing the light. Love to you, the only person who gives a shit about my blog, thank you, emje for reading what I write, it means a lot to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i started my blog as yet another way to talk to myself when i felt like i was drowning. it was quite awhile before anyone paid any attention to my ramblings & rants. now i have a few dear readers whom i love, but i am still mostly just talking to myself. it helps, for me at least, whether someone is listening or not–it helps me to exorcise those demons & try to let some of the light back in.
      i like it when i find some kindred spirits out in the dark of the blogsphere. ❤
      i like that you said tar pit, because i was wondering what was going on in that illustration, but now i see it is clearly a tar pit i am sinking in.
      thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

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