peeling the onion

what if
my overwhelming desire to be out
of that
relationship
by any means necessary
was not a reflection
on my
ability
to commit…
some sort of self-sabotage…
no, not at all
in fact
a survival instinct
what if
i knew he was wrong
wrong for me
wrong to me
even though on the surface he was
mr. right
what if
my escapist tendencies are all
the only thing
that keeps me from falling
into
the
abyss
of a relationship with a narcissist
not a bad thing
not at all
not something to punish myself for
20 years later
but!
something to celebrate
i
survived.

i’m finding layers, y’all. all kinds of layers. things are not just black & white, good or bad…there is all kinds of stuff going on in the layers.
my energy is shifting.
it’s kinda pretty awesome & i feel a giddy feeling about it. so giddy.

this is a thought i had about a person–many many posts on him. we were together and he said he was my true love and all i wanted to do was run and i did run a couple of times but i tried so hard to make it work and all i wanted was out.
then he left me for someone else. in a pretty fucking cruel way.
and i spent too much of my life thinking i did something wrong & fucked my entire life up by not being able to love him the way i thought i should have loved him.
then, i realized, though he did it a bit differently, he was pretty much the same as all the other charming assholes that my gut said, “RUN!!” about.

funny that instinct. not always a bad thing, running away.

the illustration is based on an egon schiele sketch.

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7 thoughts on “peeling the onion

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  1. Oh so relatable dear emje.
    There’s something beautiful about every person I’ve loved
    However
    Sometimes that beauty is sadly over written by their obnoxious behaviors.
    And I have been told I have ptsd so it’s even more worrisome when I hear the “run” and I question it because I don’t want to be subject to an ailment.
    We need to listen to out lovely selves, nice reminder

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love how you are processing, working out what a narcissist is. Love is be blind for a reason. Thank God we have our guts and our minds to turn to when we’re love blind — we may not always be able to figure out why we run at the time, but our bodies know and deep within, we have wisdom and WE KNOW. I love visiting your site, btw! Mona

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you! it has taken me a long time. i got really good at blaming myself and thinking badly of myself. it’s truly liberating to realize my instincts are good & that i am able to make better choices.

      Like

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