needless to say

to avoid having needs
met
i seek out
impossible men
seek out
self-fulfilling prophesies
teaching me to forget
my needs
bury them deep
it is not safe
to
need
close down
after all
you don’t need
anyone
do you?
need leads to want
need leads to betrayal
need leads to pain
how can i open
myself
to need
when i have taught myself
so thoroughly
that need
hurts?

so.
when i was a kid, my parents didn’t meet my needs. they wouldn’t or couldn’t. instead of becoming more needy, i shut down. i decided that if they wouldn’t meet my needs, i wouldn’t have any.
seriously.
if you read in one of my fallen posts about how i was the “good” one–they thought i was good because i never asked for anything.
nothing.
i refused to give them the chance to not meet my needs. i knew they would reject me–so i didn’t give them a chance to.
so so so fucked up.
what kid doesn’t need?
this one.
then of course, i grew into a woman who dated men incapable of meeting my needs.
so.
i didn’t have any. or if i did, i buried them deep until they became a molten core of anger & hate. resenting people for not being who i needed them to be as i refused to admit i had needs.
basically, i suspect everyone is eventually going to reject me, so i never let myself need anyone.

long story short, i am extremely self-reliant and independent…but i am now unable to need anyone–thereby i don’t connect with people on one basic human level.

yay.

working the healing wheel by maeanna welti has been pretty awesome. at each season on the wheel, there is focus on an area to heal. samhain was fear. solstice was needs. i am still working solstice…but looking forward to what i will learn about myself come imbolic.

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5 thoughts on “needless to say

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  1. This is a very bizarre thing for me, seeing myself in your words, I guess in you. I have written some of these exact lines.

    The way I write and post now is purely creative writing. But several years ago I wrote many introspective and self assessment post about never connecting and how my independence has ruined many chances for relationships with others, of any kind. All connected to things of my young girlhood. Fascinating really.

    Way to put yourself out there ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. that is one of the benefits of doing this exercise, i have found–the connection to others. i have also read other’s words & realized how similar they are to mine. i don’t like that other people have suffered like i have, but i do like that i am not alone…if that makes sense ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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