fallen VIII

it isn’t all fun & games
when you’re
the devil
when your darkness
oozes & embraces
for one thing
you can feel
all the pain
in the world
you feel it
so intensely
& you no longer know
how to need
you long to feel
human
but you shut down your
humanity
you had to
in order to not collapse
under all the
torment
you can still feel
the desperate
lonely
your own desperate
lonely
but you cannot convince yourself
to
need
the antidote
is need
you need to let yourself need
but
you
can’t
you
won’t
for you to need
is a dangerous thing
that will rip open
too
many
wounds.

i am exploring need in my working the healing wheel. i have realized that i do not let myself need anyone. if you ask me, i will state, “i do not need anyone.”
and in my head, this is true. there is an exit strategy in case of loss. for everyone i know, i have instilled an exit strategy in case i lose them.
i suppose there is something deeply wrong with me
that i refuse to need anyone.
so, weirdly enough, i have realized that i need to learn to need…but i have no idea how to do that.

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8 thoughts on “fallen VIII

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  1. Eh, not needing anyone is so relatable it’s ridiculous. I may not say it like you because life has told me people hate hate hate when I say it. So I just live it. Leaving s many people out of my details. So much more to say lol
    But I truly liked this

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you!
      yeah, i once made a boyfriend cry when i told him i didn’t need him.
      i know it’s something i learned from having parents who couldn’t/wouldn’t meet my needs as a child.
      i’m hoping one day i can need someone…but just the thought of it is terrifying.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The way I see it for myself is I need people. I need people to love me and love them back. But I could never answer the question of what need they can fill. Because I can fill all of anything I can thing of, 🤷‍♀️. And underlying feeling of being a burden or an obligation for anyone is a likely culprit although not a conscious one.
        Mine stem from a similar thing and I’m not sure how to bridge that gap of understanding that to grasping how to let people care for me.
        Eh, the life and time of the human condition lol

        Liked by 1 person

      2. i just posted a follow up to the first one. it kind of touches on some of this ❤
        i do need to be needed, it seems. but i am still reluctant to ask for it. i just try to make myself indispensable. it usually backfires.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can understand the logic of not needing others. As I’ve told several people throughout the years – when people come into my life, part of me mentally fast forwards to their inevitable departure, and then I wait for them to meet me there.

    Liked by 1 person

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