panic attack

i am 
literally
having a panic
attack
looking through 
google docs
& files files files
on my hard drive
& months months months
of writings
here & in the physical journals
from whence
they sprung
…it’s
too 
much
too fucking much
how many words 
can there be?
how many 
emotions
vomited
all over my laptop?
now
fuck it
there is one more.

i am serious about getting together a collection to try to publish…but holy fucking crap. there is so much–crap–to wade through. 
do i keep it to the actual art journal project?
do i add in some older stuff?
some sideways stuff?
some stuff i don’t even remember writing? 

i need a personal assistant/editor stat!

this is going to be one of those “kill your darlings” moments i always heard about in writing workshops, isn’t it?

get me a bottle of whiskey & a blowtorch, y’all, i’m going in!

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9 thoughts on “panic attack

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  1. I recommend deciding first (before reading anything) what it is exactly that you want your book to accomplish, or what story you are wanting to tell, or a theme. Because if you’re going for a “emje’s greatest hits” I think you will get too overwhelmed because it’s all so good and you have sooo much to look over. If you have a theme/story to tell… it will make it easier to have a ‘no pile’ a ‘maybe pile’ and a ‘yes pile’. Just my opinion.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you!
      i think i am going to stick to my art journal self-portrait series (with maybe a few extras) for this initial project. that way i can also go through the physical journals which are less overwhelming than stuff on my laptop/this site.
      i started obsessing about everything i had ever written while in bed trying to sleep. i don’t even remember everything i have ever written. or even what names i wrote it under. both on paper & on the internet. it is insane. i was even looking at projects from my last writer’s workshop that i didn’t even remember!
      if i had an attention span, i would be a force to be reckoned with.

      Liked by 2 people

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