how do i exist
if no one believes
in me?
my parents
believed in me as a pretty baby
a quiet baby
not so much
when i bloomed
into a strange flower
different
from them
short of cannibalizing me
like disillusioned
hamsters
their belief
faded
sisters
believed in me
in theory
when convenient
one brother
believed in me
i can say that
because he is dead
& no one can tell me
different
teachers & therapists
well sure
but they were paid to
boyfriends
husbands
i was a game
to win
an uprising
to squash
a puzzle
to berate
no belief required
friends…?
seemingly quick
to betray
to disappear
to spout belief
while demonstrating
the opposite
so
much like the tooth fairy
whom i kept alive
way past the age most
let her dissolve
i keep myself alive
fiercely believing
despite evidence
urging me
to fade away.
while crying in the shower yesterday, i wrote this poem. with the challenge of getting out of the shower & past four screaming minions to the journal on my desk to compose it before it washed away down the drain.
picture that.
i did get dressed first, so be sure to add clothes.
karl shapiro, i think, once wrote a poem about crying in the shower. i think i used to recite it in speech contests. little did i know how useful that poem would prove.
this thought is a bit melodramatic, i suppose. a bit emo. angsty.
but, seriously, it is something i struggle with. i find it very difficult to believe that anyone believes in me.
and if they do, i dismiss it as their not knowing me well enough to know any better…or knowing that one day they will stop believing & walk away.
i think it is our nature
at this point in our history
to not believe in each other
to not have invested feelings for one another
in a culture of convenience & right now
belief is too risky.
i made peanut butter cookies (which are kick ass) and i am going to make lo mein & eggrolls for dinner.
thanksgiving just has a bad feeling for me. a holiday of bad energy. as a pagan witch, i have like three harvest holidays & believe in giving thanks every day…so thanksgiving really is redundant for me.
but i do hope y’all are having a good day.
i believe in you!
ps. while pooping this morning (i do my best thinking in a locked door bathroom) i decided i really do need to put my melodramatic art journal musings into a collection with self-portraits. you know, one of those self-publish books.
how do i do that? are their sources that any of y’all recommend? thoughts?
I believe you are fucking phenomenal. All I’ve seen is your art and words but that is enough.
PS. I love peanut butter cookies. I’ll be waiting by the door for my shipment.
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thank you! xxoo
i will do my best not to fade away.
but i’m not sure i can wrestle any cookies away from the minions.
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you know what? the kids deserve them.
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more importantly, they are feral like their mother & it is dangerous to try to take food away from them 🙂
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as they should be
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I’ll keep clapping for you Emje, cos I believe ❤️
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thank you ❤
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