i look around
how much is my own
& how much is done
to subtle pushes
did i choose this life
or was it dropped
am i doing this
i thought it was a good idea
or because someone else did
i look around me
with new eyes
the bitter angry bile
of a life not mine
…all i want to do
okay. so i have been wondering for awhile now if i want to continue with the life i have. i mean, i feel trapped in my own life. and there are things i cannot change…but there are things i can change…eventually…maybe…some day….
lately, or always, i wonder how i got here.
and i get angry when i think of the decisions i really didn’t get to make. the no-choice situations i found myself in.
like being too broke & desperate to do anything other than agree to care-take my childhood home in bumfuck illinois alone with four kids.
i guess i have just made a lot (a lot a lot a lot) of bad choices.
i’m wondering…what do i do now?
i think i need to learn to trust myself…. maybe start there?