surrender dorothy

i look around
me
& wonder
how much is my own
& how much is done
in reaction
to subtle pushes
& blatant
insults
did i choose this life
or was it dropped
on me
like
a house
from kansas
am i doing this
because
i thought it was a good idea
or because someone else did
i look around me
with new eyes
& feel
the bitter angry bile
of a life not mine
…all i want to do
is spit.

okay. so i have been wondering for awhile now if i want to continue with the life i have. i mean, i feel trapped in my own life. and there are things i cannot change…but there are things i can change…eventually…maybe…some day….
lately, or always, i wonder how i got here.
and i get angry when i think of the decisions i really didn’t get to make. the no-choice situations i found myself in.
like being too broke & desperate to do anything other than agree to care-take my childhood home in bumfuck illinois alone with four kids.

i guess i have just made a lot (a lot a lot a lot) of bad choices.
sigh.
i’m wondering…what do i do now?

i think i need to learn to trust myself…. maybe start there?

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4 thoughts on “surrender dorothy

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    1. i am not sure about the whole homesteading thing. i miss having a community. i feel overwhelmed & isolated. i felt pushed out of my old life by my ex-husband. i am wondering if i chose this lifestyle because of him or if i really wanted to live like this.
      i think it is somewhere in between the two.
      art is the one thing i am sure of & that keeps me sane.
      i was working on getting a degree (which is just a piece of paper–but it does help with getting jobs) in art at UW and wanted to keep doing that, but then because i had no money & no place to live & four kids to take care of
      i landed here.
      i just need to re-access & get going in the direction that works for me & my kids.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s difficult to even know what you want. And not knowing for sure what you want makes it difficult to choose a direction. It’s a vicious cycle.

        Maybe the homestead was just something you needed to do at that particular time in your life and now it has served its purpose and you are ready to move on.

        Maybe instead of trying to change everything at once, focus all your energy on one thing. Your art. Get it out there in front of as many people as you can. Maybe as that moves forward and develops, then other aspects of your life will fall into place.

        Liked by 1 person

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