i could be
in love with you & feel
instead of felling like i am
off a cliff
onto a land mine
instead of killing me instantly
& with no pain
will just tear me
letting me die
cold & isolated
in my sorrow.
okay, my witchy & mystic friends, tell me…yesterday, while standing with dusty at sunrise, i watched (and then shouted & ran towards it) as a hawk flew down & tried to take off with one of my young chickens.
then, as i drove to the feed store with iggy & poppy, a hawk flew along side our car for about a quarter of a mile.
then today, as i drove to the farmer’s market with my minions, a hawk flew off of a post and practically right into my windshield. i actually ducked inside my car for fear of being hit by a hawk. (the hawk, however, did not make contact with my car)
what is the universe trying to tell me?
dusty came down to our house for poppy’s & fidgit’s birthdays. he spent one night & returned to wisconsin. there was some physical activity between the father of my children & me. i have been celibate (man, it took me forever to remember that word just now) for about a year & a half, so i was overdue for some…and i don’t regret it…but i also don’t think there is a future for dusty & myself as a “couple”…despite our smoking hot chemistry.
nothing changes. nothing stays the same.
i felt defeated after he was gone.
and today when i tried to explain my lack of hope to him…it quickly turned into a mud slinging free-for-all.
so is that it? are the hawks just telling me to pay attention? to listen to the signs i am given? to trust my instinct?
i’m going to die alone.
but at least the universe hasn’t given up on me.