INKtober twentieth

i wish
i could be
in love with you & feel
good
about it
instead of felling like i am
about
to step
off a cliff
&
onto a land mine
which
instead of killing me instantly
& with no pain
will just tear me
to pieces
letting me die
a
slow
painful
death
cold & isolated
in my sorrow.

okay, my witchy & mystic friends, tell me…yesterday, while standing with dusty at sunrise, i watched (and then shouted & ran towards it) as a hawk flew down & tried to take off with one of my young chickens.
then, as i drove to the feed store with iggy & poppy, a hawk flew along side our car for about a quarter of a mile.
then today, as i drove to the farmer’s market with my minions, a hawk flew off of a post and practically right into my windshield. i actually ducked inside my car for fear of  being hit by a hawk. (the hawk, however, did not make contact with my car)

what is the universe trying to tell me?

dusty came down to our house for poppy’s & fidgit’s birthdays. he spent one night & returned to wisconsin. there was some physical activity between the father of my children & me. i have been celibate (man, it took me forever to remember that word just now) for about a year & a half, so i was overdue for some…and i don’t regret it…but i also don’t think there is a future for dusty & myself as a “couple”…despite our smoking hot chemistry.
nothing changes. nothing stays the same.
i felt defeated after he was gone.
nothing changes.
and today when i tried to explain my lack of hope to him…it quickly turned into a mud slinging free-for-all.
yay.

so is that it? are the hawks just telling me to pay attention? to listen to the signs i am given? to trust my instinct?

ah fuck.
i’m going to die alone.
but at least the universe hasn’t given up on me.

9 thoughts on “INKtober twentieth

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  1. You say how I feel so precisely. It’s weird. You’re talking about you but it’s like your talking about me, or for me or something….maybe using the words I would liked to have used?
    I don’t know….
    I guess some creators and performers and whatnot have the knack for getting in their audience’ head. And heart. And under their skin. And in their bones.
    Hope I’m not being toooo creepy saying this shit, it’s just….
    You’re really f**king good, Emje. Such a….Quixotic Mama! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      1. i just read your “about me” page & can see why my stuff resonates with you. we have a lot in common. i have never identified with either gender & have a violently alcoholic father & a fucked-up childhood. so–cheers 🙂 you will always have a place at my table.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Now emje, we’ve talked about this before. The hawk tells us to use very clear vision, to not let our minds become clouded through our eyes. To see clearly. To focus on the future and not what was behind. First the hawk grabbed your attention with the young chicken (children), then the hawk grabbed your attention with clear sight as you traveled forward (not in reverse) and finally the hawk grabbed your attention quite spectacularly through your windshield (not your rear view mirror). Clarity of vision, my dear soul sister.

    And PS: I love the post, too. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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