INKtober twelfth (beached)

i am paralyzed
no matter which way i go
i am certain
i will fuck
it
up
i am trapped
my life
a torture chamber of indecision
i want to go
i just want to take off
run away
say “fuck it”
& start all over…
but if i do
will i soon regret it?
will i always
always regret it?
i don’t want to be
alone
anymore
but i will
surely
choose
the wrong company
the wrong companion
&
i will
find
myself
missing my solitude…
there is nothing
nothing
i can do
right
i am frozen
frozen
in fear
of
being
me.

so the official inktober prompt of the day (which i am by no means required to use in order to participate in inktober) is “whale.”
while i love drawing whales & am especially fond of humpback whales…it seemed more suitable for me to beach myself.
so this is me
beached.

on a similar note–i realized today that i have no idea how to spell “12th” as a word…good thing my 12 year old knew…(wait–i think i see a pattern)

& i am going through a rough patch. i find myself thinking i should quit the homestead adventure…or, at least, curtail it…. i also want to quit illinois & head back north/northwest (not in a hitchcock way.)
but all this is waaaaaaaaaaay easier said than done when one is broke but with a yard full of livestock living rent-free.
also
i want to be closer to my ex-husband…in more ways than one…& history shows that to be a bad idea…but i am notoriously bad about history.
both of these things are weighing heavily on me. resulting in mental exhaustion & severe bouts of crying as i question every motive i have and every bad decision i have ever made.
it super sucks.
i’m not sure i want to be me right now. i feel like i’m just a complete fuck up waiting for my next fuck up.

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Author: emje

oh! i know who i am now i am sad & silly i am fierce & fantastic i am passionate & magical i am a fucking unicorn

11 thoughts on “INKtober twelfth (beached)”

    1. it so super sucks. i just want someone else to take over & make all my life decisions for me…but i would probably still just do what i wanted–out of some weird spite–& ignore any sound advice…& fuck it all up quite splendidly….

      Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you. i am hoping to muddle through this. i’m just feeling as if i am only suited for watching netflix & doodling my self-portrait (that’s what she said)…not suited for being a mom or running a homestead. i just want to hide away, and my life won’t let me. thank you for listening. it helps to know i am not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

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