out the window

some days
my son is so much
like his father
i want to jump
out the window
i can leave the man
but i cannot
abandon
the boy
some days
being a mom
is so painful
so challenging
that i catch myself
wishing
i’d made different
choices
fantasizing
about a life
i did not have
a life
i will never
know
some days
as hard as i hope
for peace
all i know
is
chaos
inside
& out.

i sit & suffer in silence as a mom. which is weird, since i am so quick to share all my other angst.
is it the taboo?
is it our instagram existence?
only show the smiling children. only show the confident moments. only show the clean faces. carefully crop out the crap.
i read kelly’s post yesterday about how we may be causing damage by only showing the positive stuff regarding people’s challenges and how we view neurodiversity.
it made me think, today, as i was struggling with my challenges as a highly sensitive person & mother of four highly sensitive children. we do this with all of life, don’t we? only show the good stuff to each other? hide away those moments where we feel weak or out of control or not good enough?
maybe we should just air out our dirty laundry. form an alliance of imperfection.
i know, i do it all the time with my anxiety & relationship issues, my imposter’s syndrome, my abusive childhood, and all my other “failings.”

and yet i still hesitate when it comes to showing my–almost constant–struggles as a mom. like, i can show you all my cracks & crevices…but what will you think of me if you know i sometimes wish i wasn’t a mom? if you know the chaos of my every single day?

posting this has given me so much anxiety. i feel like i need to put on my helmet & buckle down because surely i will be judged–a bad mom. but, i have not deleted the post yet…. hoping that my pain & suffering will let someone else know that they are not alone.

(my favorite quote from one of my favorite novels, the hotel new hampshire–by john steinbeck, is to “keep passing the open windows.”)

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Author: emje

oh! i know who i am now i am sad & silly i am fierce & fantastic i am passionate & magical i am a fucking unicorn

15 thoughts on “out the window”

  1. The struggle is real. Keep reaching out for support in your quiet way and we’ll all be here to lift you. — from one single mom to another. Keep up the good work (or keep fighting the good fight, however it strikes your fancy to think of it today)!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I did kind of catch myself raising my eyebrows on this one, but you’re absolutely right that sometimes there is harm in showing only good instead of the real. As a society we impose perfection on mothers and then chastise women for not meeting that ideal. But I know that my mother definitely dealt with this, probably many do. Lovely poem!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your not on my FB… i show the good and bad… and the really bad. 🤣🤗 Some days are quite ugly! But seriously, i am luckily in a new phase of life… so things appear to some as if im bragging. Ah! which i kinda am… i am celebrating big time because the earlier, ten shit-filled years were devastating enough i could have actually stuck the knife in and made that fatal blow. So yeah! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i enjoy all your writings, but it is nice to celebrate triumphs after so much crap! i have had some good moments. hopefully one day i will learn to celebrate my role as a mother without quite so many downfalls. thank you for re-posting me!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The “selfie” should be a dying fad… any day now! At least we could wish for that! If we spent as much time on our outer appearance, as our inner, the joke of selfies would be over. Growing pains, perhaps? If not growth… we are doomed to this social media hell that is consuming souls. I have given myself a “once-a-week” indulgence to stroke my once invisible ego… but it too needs taming. It is a see-saw. Too good of a thing, generally drags the other down, leaving them scraping the bottom of the barrel. I love your inkings and your openness… being vulnerable to storm clouds and sunshine means rainbows must be in your future!!!! 🤷🏼‍♀️🕊❤️🎶🎶🎶

        Liked by 1 person

      2. thank you so much!
        it’s funny, i always did selfies back in the 90s with a camera & film…but it was usually because i was alone (though i do have some selfies with friends.) it was more about self-reliance than being egocentric…maybe? now most of my selfies are ink & paper as a way to overcome & heal & accept myself. however, i have not yet inspired a fad for working on one’s inner self…yet. i will keep inking! (thank you !)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Sorry… typing on my phone… we know little of others through these sites… I certainly hope i have not come across as condemning… your art has beauty of the best kind… truth. Certainly what you perceive as truth. And compassion. Your work drools compassion! So others feel understood, heard, celebrated, known… i was unsure if i should comment… it took a while to feel your art (several months) and delve into the space. But i hope the art is healing for you and not tearing you down further… am i making sense? Anyhow! i will keep reading… 🕊🧡🎶

        Liked by 1 person

      4. thank you! i have not felt that you were being condemning. my art is healing. i am surprised by how much it has healed me. i feel like i have dug up & worked out more through this project than all my years of therapy. turns out it is easier to fool a therapist that i am working on my issues than it is to fool myself.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I had to learn to “embrace my sickness” as part of my recovery from addiction. Once I made peace with my imperfections, oh, wait, I never got to that point, did I?

    I finally found an equilibrium of sorts. Humor & sarcasm are my weapons; they carry on a love/hate relationship with my sickness, imperfections, and failings. In a world that pushes all these ideals of perfection, it’s HARD to be imperfect, right? So if I laugh at myself for it BEFORE you can laugh at me, it’s like “Haha Haha beat you to it neener neener🤪”

    (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

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