just words

i never wanted
perfect
i would have been
happy
with
kind
i would have traded the world
for someone
who
loved me
best
but…marriage vows
are just
words
really
no matter
how pretty they sound.

there is this thing dusty says to me whenever he feels the need to shut me up. he mentions this mysterious thing he whispered into my ear during our wedding ceremony. he brings it up knowing i have the memory of a chipmunk on mind altering drugs. he brings it up knowing i was so stressed out on our wedding day that i barely remember being there. he brings it up knowing i will feel bad for not remembering his great declaration of love.
or maybe i’m wrong.
but i’m not.
he brought it up recently when we were texting back & forth.
he texted, “i meant what i whispered in your ear that day.”
so i asked, “which day?”
and of course it was our wedding day to which he referred even though that was no where near to being the topic of our conversation.
yes, dusty, you are one up on me. i don’t know what you whispered. i just don’t fucking remember.
so i texted him back to confess that i was too hopped up on anxiety to remember anything from our wedding day.
so he finally told me those magical words that he has held as proof of his good intentions all these years:

i may not be perfect, but i will always love you.

so of course my response was what the fucking fuck? who asked for perfect? i would have settled for a dude who didn’t escape into a pot-induced video game haze instead of being present in our marriage. i would have settled for a dude who didn’t insult me on the day i buried my brother. i would have settled for a dude who helped change the diapers & got up at night to help me with the babies…or who fucking didn’t berate me for being pregnant. i would have settled for a dude who didn’t fuck around on me to punish me.

sigh.

so i told him, those are just words. anyone can say words. without the action to back them up…just..fucking..words.

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Author: emje

oh! i know who i am now i am sad & silly i am fierce & fantastic i am passionate & magical i am a fucking unicorn

18 thoughts on “just words”

      1. That makes sense. I suppose you would, under those circumstances. On the other hand, my own parent could be counted on to do what she said she’d do. Probably makes a big difference to you and me and in how we think about words.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. i used to just tell people “i was raised by wolves”…it’s all in the subtle body language…. i do, however, desperately love words.

        Like

  1. Sometimes I think it’s a bit more than just “words are words”. I think instead that people are satisfied by words alone. Kind of like folks seem so often satisfied these days to “like” something. “Hey gang! I got mugged last night! Yeah, I’m in the hospital. Thanks for all the “hearts” on FB. I feel things are ok now. Won’t be any PTSD after all.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. in theory, everything is more than it is. i was stating an idea in verse form vs. writing a text book about it 😉
      although i do tend to over-simplify for effect…another point of contention between me & the ex.

      Like

      1. they are merely superficial deficiencies anyway. it’s difficult for me to be genuine sometimes…other times i am overwhelmingly so. (i do like conversation however!)

        Like

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