random thoughts…my daughter

when i became pregnant for the first time,
i was dismayed to learn it was a boy.
“i don’t know anything about boys!” i thought.
then i had another boy.
and finally i was pregnant with my girl
realizing
“i don’t know anything about girls either!”
i used to call myself–gender confused.
this was in the early 90s before gender
was much discussed.
but i knew from the time i was five
i had both in me–boy & girl.
yet
somehow
i also had neither…
only to realize this when i became a mother
to boys & a girl.
so like everything else, i winged it
i just raised them as people
people i respected & loved
people free to develop into whomever
they were born to be.
i remember when fidgit started playing with
trucks & guns
“i guess he is a boy,” i said,
maybe stereotyping a bit
but later, he grew his hair long
got his ears pierced
and started studying art.
still a boy, i could think.
but my girl…
my girl…
she is a girl like i was never a girl
and i want to celebrate that.
i do.
but i cried today as i shopped for her
seventh birthday present
a children’s play make-up kit
really?
but i know it will make her happy
just like every time i bought a play sword for my crazy boys
& their dad looked at me like, “really?”
here’s the thing
i want my kids to be happy
i want them to be who they are
even if it is not who i am….
that’s the tricky part about being a parent, i guess…
one of the tricky parts anyway.

the photo is me in my early 20’s. fighting gender norms has always been very important to me–especially since as a teenager i found i was more comfortable in my dad’s clothes than i was in mine. i have never worn make-up (except on halloween) & i do not own a pair of heels. but now i have a daughter who drools over thrift-store pumps & uses an art marker to apply lipstick…which some people do. some people like pumps & make-up…i’ve just never been one of them. so maybe it stings a little that my little apple is falling rolling away from the tree? but if it is who she is & will make her happy….

sigh.

heaven help me if she decides to start shaving her legs.

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Author: emje

oh! i know who i am now i am sad & silly i am fierce & fantastic i am passionate & magical i am a fucking unicorn

7 thoughts on “random thoughts…my daughter”

  1. No wonder you look so young. You still look to be a child at twenty. In no way are you to take this as my implying you might even be close to being considered even close to being old. Happy Birthday to your daughter. Sorry didn’t mean to run on like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i am almost 23 in that photo–but yes, i look like a 12 year old boy. i have caused many people much confusion with my boyish good looks 😉 that’s why i had to start wearing the short skirts!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. goodness sakes you have me laughing a belly laugh. And you must forgive me for lusting after those short skirts. It is only with the best of intentions!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you! she’s funny. she can keep up with her brothers–& is often covered in mud & brandishing a sword, but she also loves being a “pretty princess.” now that i think of it, she’s got a nice balance going on ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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