down to earth

i am not safe
i am not easy
however
i am down to earth
i am right down to the
molten rock
lava in my veins
i am the hurricanes
on the sea
i am the tornadoes
on the plains
i am the rain that falls
to create life
i am the moon
waxing & waning
& pulling the tides
to me
i am alive
so
no
i am  not safe
i am not easy
& in my experience
i have found that nothing
nothing
worth having
ever is.

note to all you well-meaning men–if you aren’t interested, just say, “no thank you.” don’t make excuses. don’t prolong the inevitable. don’t rationalize & make nice. just fucking say, “no thank you.”
if there is need for further explanation, we will ask for it.
sigh.
i told guy to “be safe” after he pleaded “ptsd” and “not being that the kind of person to be sponateous” and “having too many responsibilities” to have a rendezvous with me.
first off, raise your hand if you don’t have ptsd.
fuck.
my ptsd has ptsd.
also, i have severe social anxiety.
yet i still reached out to him because i feel that the day i let my fears dictate how i live…i am no longer alive.
and who doesn’t have responsibilities? my whole life is responsibilities…which is exactly why i, for one, was dying to do something spontaneous.
i texted him that spontaneity is good for the soul.
he channeled somebody’s super fuddy-duddy father to text me back about not being able to do that for this & that reason.
why didn’t he just say, “no thank you” from the get-go? i am honestly wondering. this is not a rhetorical question of mine. i would ask him, but he shuts down communication with me pretty good with his fuddy-duddy father voice. i’m all like, “yes sir,” as i scamper away to look around for someone else to play with.
bleah.
so i told guy to “be safe.” i was being snarky, but thanks to text messaging ambiguity, he has no way of knowing that. (unless he reads my blog…but i don’t think he is that invested considering he turned down a booty call thinly veiled as an invite to a h.s. reunion….)
he said, “you too.”
and that inspired this page.

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Author: emje

oh! i know who i am now i am sad & silly i am fierce & fantastic i am passionate & magical i am a fucking unicorn

8 thoughts on “down to earth”

  1. A lot of people believe that saying no by not saying no is somehow better/more gentle/less cruel/insert some other justification than just saying “no”…
    I can’t say much…I lament people being evasive rather than just stating things plainly, and yet I’m just as inclined to behave evasively while justifying it to myself that… somehow…it totally makes sense/is better/is less of a hassle/is easier for everyone…even though it obviously never is…
    Irony abounds… 🤔

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hear you, emje. Something somewhat similar recently occurred to me and I’m still obsessing: why not just come right out and say “no thank you” or “I’m done” or “you’re not worth it” or “I moved on” or any one of a hundred other open, honest, adult answers??? It’s not that fucking hard. In fact, it’s easy to say “no thank you” than have a bunch of back-n-forths before finally getting around to it. I hate waste. Especially wasting energy and time. ggrrrr

    Liked by 1 person

    1. right? guy could have said, “i’m flattered, but no thank you.” instead he hemmed & hawed & i took that to mean he wanted to be convinced. so i continued to pursue it only to be–more rudely–rebuffed when he finally was cornered & had to say no. though actually he never did say no. he just became grumpy. at least it probably saved me time & hurt in the long run because the whole interaction showed me that he was not the kind of person i wanted to be around anyway.
      this is a re-occurring theme in my interactions with men, however. and i would really like it to stop. i just don’t have the time & energy for anything but a straight answer.

      Liked by 1 person

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