escaping my escapism

for the first time
in
forever
i am not looking
for someone
to rescue me
no
not like i’m some fucking damsel
in distress
though i’ve tried
i’ve never managed to convince
anyone
i am a damsel
in distress
but still
always
in the back of my head
is the thought that someone
a certain someone
not just
anyone
but my hero
on his white horse
would soon ride in
& whisk me away
from all this…
except
the thought
is
gone
i somehow
escaped
my own
escape.

i’m in brand new territory, y’all. if i was still in therapy, i would be having a “breakthrough.”  but it’s just you & me here…watching…waiting…wondering.
and here we are.
brand new territory.
what now?
you know what?
what happens next will happen next.

meanwhile, i have started that queer week of my every month where i am a mother with no children. i mean…they still exist, but they are in wisconsin with their dad. and i am here, waiting…watching…wondering.
is this a week where i blossom & explore…or a week where i wither & mourn? it often goes either way.
but this time…
i think it is going to be the former.
don’t tell the minions, but after i left them with their dad–i felt a certain weight had lifted, & i could breathe again. yes, i will miss them…but in the meantime, i will revel in my perceived & temporary freedom from motherhood.

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7 thoughts on “escaping my escapism

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  1. I think there is no shame in being relieved if at times you can pass the burden (because although oftentimes they are wonderful they are not always that wonderful, working in a kindergarten I know a little about it). Still there seems to be a lot of stigmatism if women speak out and say things like that. It is hypocritical, to say the least. I’m hoping that new concepts like co-parenting will take a hold in society and people will change their way of thinking. Great poem and great thoughts connected to it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you! being a mom is by far the most difficult thing i have ever done. so emotionally & physically demanding. i still struggle with the identity crisis it triggered when i had my first son almost 13 years ago. i touch on it here & there in my art & writings…but i always have this little voice telling me i shouldn’t for whatever reasons…though i do think it is a topic that needs more light shined on it–for my own sanity & that of other moms who are struggling.
      thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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