demons

my brain is congested. i feel ever so blocked right now. creatively & emotionally. everything i have written in my journal just seems dumb & badly written. maybe some of you are all like, “what’s new?” but usually i, at least, sincerely enjoy my badly versed random off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts & feelings.
but right now they are all crap.
i feel like there is so much to say–but i don’t know how to say it.
or draw it.

so i am working on some re-workings of older stuff while i stare at the blank pages of my current journal in disgust.
(i don’t hate you, art journal…it’s probably just hormones….)
this one–this one here–it is the self-portrait that got all of this nonsense started. i drew it in november of last year. i loved it. and then i just got carried away…almost a year & how may self-portraits later? (someone with a longer attention span than mine can count them–i know i have four pages up there.)
so here’s the one that started it all. a nice little picture of me hanging out with my demons.

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in other news….

today i heard the thompson twins’s song “hold me now” which i have sung along with in every every every relationship i have had.
& today, i realized, i have no one to sing it to.
no one.
i am undeniably alone…like i said in yesterday’s post–even in my imagination.
& then i started crying.

except of course for the single dads who are fishing for women on instagram? what’s up with that?
instagram is so weird.

and i am having nightmares like crazy. i have started having a re-occurring dream about wasps–the insects (i have daily fears of both kinds of wasps–people & insects.)
in real life, i am afraid of wasps. i have yet to be stung by one & one of my life goals is to not be stung by one.
so now i am having nightmares about wasps.
one had a wasp just hanging out on the back of my neck until my big brother (who was killed in 2008) got it off of my neck for me. my big brother has been in a lot of my dreams lately. just as him–not back from the dead–in my dreams he has never died.
then i had a dream that a wasp came & started stinging me on the arm. it didn’t hurt as much as i thought it would but i still proceeded to whack it to pieces as soon as i overcame the paralysis it somehow caused my whacking arm.

so far in my dream analysis i have:
wasp=fear (of what?)
brother’s help/whacking=overcoming fear

but that’s all i got.

last night i had the worst dream i’ve had in a long time. it was completely fucked up & i feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
i tried to write about it…but i can’t.

is anyone else feeling this? just curious. i know sometimes stuff like this can be cosmic.

ps. i just found a pad of 12X16 water color paper in my supplies cabinet. so–good news–i can start doing really large final copies of my art journal pages.
bad news–i will have to start using my camera again instead of the scanner i have. which means the quality of my posted art might suffer.

crap.

pss. i think my goat agatha is going to kid soon! she is all belly & her milk bag is getting full! looks like i’m going to be a grandma soon.

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12 thoughts on “demons

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  1. Where to start with my love for this post. 1) I love this picture. 2) do you really have one ring in your left ear and two in your right? Cuz… so do I!!! 3) I love that she’s gonna have a baby soon! 4) I understand about being tired of your old art & poems & hormones, I’m in the same place with mine 5) regarding your dream, I believe that you are coming to a place mentally where are you are ready to move on from some past hurts and events, things that have normally held sway over your mind. Your mind is preparing itself to let those things go, tilling up the soil of your heart. When you get to a point where you can share the other dream, please do, even if it’s just an email to me. 6) πŸ’•πŸ’•

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you! i loved the original a lot & am mostly happy with the re-do. it is one of my favorites.
      sometimes i have three in the right ear (another piercing up top) but i always have the two in my right & one in my left πŸ™‚
      the dream does feel like it is something big & significant. my subconscious usually only does re-occurring themes when it has something important to tell me.
      i will email you about the other dream. it was pretty upsetting.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes! I hear you on all of this. I had 3 solid months of dull-fog-garbage writing in my journal and it only just started to flow in a productive direction a few days ago. Now I can’t stop writing, the moon is full, and everything is swinging towards frenzy. Hang in there! And please keep writing even if it feels like junk. You may feel like you’re going in circles now, but the practice is itself a generative act, and it keeps things moving and primed for the next creative surge

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I used to have recurring nightmares of snakes ever since I was a kid. They used to scare the shit out of me. My dad got bitten by a cobra, maybe that’s why. Then one day, after a particularly weird dream that I’d rather not relate, my fear was just gone, and a strange obsession with king cobras began…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i can usually analyze my re-occurring dreams. like i figured out that elevators=relationships (& my feeling trapped in a journey that i don’t feel i have control of.) usually once i figure it out, i stop having the dream. unless my subconscious feels i need a little reminder. my subconscious & i have in interesting relationship.

      Liked by 1 person

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