emje’s world

i really don’t understand
like a sick
like a suffering animal
could you just tell me to
stop?
put me out of my misery?
if you want me to
stop
you should know
with the life i’ve had
i only thrive
on rejection
on being ignored
i only try
harder
to be seen
when you look
away
please
just say “stop”
if you want me to
stop
otherwise
i will never
give up
on you.

i often examine my behavior towards seymour and wonder if i am harassing him. if i were a man, and he were a woman, i think it would definitely be considered harassment. i don’t believe in double standards…yet…one of my therapists assured me that it is different for men than it is for women. i mean, a woman might play along and not say stop because she is afraid. she stokes an ego for her own safety.
but why doesn’t seymour just tell me to stop?
i would. i know i would.
it would hurt and i would want to keep reaching out to him–but if i knew for sure he wanted me all the way out of his life, i would respect that.
but he never says it.
granted, he never says anything.
and like i said in my journal page, being ignored is not a deterrent for me. it’s just a signal for me to try harder.
thanks to my fucked-up childhood with parents who ignored me pretty consistently. thanks to always being attracted to people who ignored me in relationships.
thanks to growing up as a sensitive wallflower.
being ignored is just part of life.
i don’t want to be ignored…but being ignored is its own attention. seriously. when you make an effort to ignore someone, you are–in a weird & fucked up way–paying attention to them.
let me stress, fucked up way.

i want to ask him.
i want to know.
but part of me is scared of the answer.

ps. i drew a naked version of this painting “christina’s world” because when i drew a version with clothes on, it looked like i had crawled right out of a japanese horror movie. so i did me naked (again) so that i could maybe try to get the position to look natural. however, i neglected to get my back fat in there right. i tried to be true to my back fat, but i don’t think i quite captured it.

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7 thoughts on “emje’s world

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  1. I, myself, have marveled at the notion of someone not just saying, “Hey…you need to stop now. You can’t keep doing this.”
    And it’s interesting because it seems that, with their actions, they’re trying to convey that…but any assertion made of “if you just tell me to stop, I will” is met with silence or evasiveness.
    It’s quite the conundrum…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. it confuses the fuck out of me. i won’t hesitate to tell someone to fuck off, but if someone does not tell me so–i think it’s a green light. of course, one should remember, i was raised by wolves.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m just too much like a computer and once I’m in a conditional true loop I continue to iterate until I encounter a conditional false, i.e., a very direct statement of “stop” “cease” “desist” “play in traffic” etc…

        Liked by 1 person

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