so much anger in this one

i have a touch of the rabies.
my brain feels like it’s on fire.
i tend to absorb energy…something about being an empath…and i had a crazy distant relative show up on my doorstep with all her stuff, inviting herself to move in and tell me everything wrong with my life and me.
her energy was so fucking fucked up. i felt myself turning into her.
by the end of her surprisingly short visit, as she was escorted off of my property by the sheriff, i was terrified.
i hate being scared. i hate it. but i was having flashbacks to other times in my life where i have felt trapped by unpredictable and angry angry nasty people. you know, like last christmas.
i went into survival mode. repeating to myself, “do not engage. do not engage.” laying low and wishing i had a panic room and wondering how i let this person just walk through our front door and threaten my children.
how did that happen?

i don’t know if she triggered something…or if it is hormonal…or if i am just perpetually broken, but now i am spinning out feeling like an awful mom and just wanting to disappear.

so this is a doodle as i was trying to figure out how to draw my children in a journal page i am working on.
yes…children as pygmy demons.
my four year old hates me. seriously. maybe i will work on a journal page about that as well. but he does. he tells me daily. as well as telling me he wishes i was dead.
so, yay mom-time.
meanwhile, i might just have another beer and stare at the wall and practice my skill of vanishing into my own brain.

ps. i was working on this outside to spend time with my therapy goats…so there are some muddy (at least i hope it’s mud) footprints on my journal page.


7 thoughts on “so much anger in this one

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  1. I love this drawing. But, I’m sorry for what brought you to this point. That’s totally fucked up. Listen. Yeah, we’re shitty parents. But we are also good ones. We fail every fucking day and we also triumph. We wish we would never see them again and we hope to never lose them. Shit. I kinda hope that IS therapy goat shit on that page. It would be fitting. A beautiful drawing…. with a little shit on it. Like you. Much love, sister.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you! i feel miserable and worse. being a mom is the most awful job in the world…but i wouldn’t give it up. even though i do tell my kids to go ahead & elect someone else to the position.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. i know what you mean. i had such an identity crisis when i became a mom. there really should be books for “if you are thinking of having children…” maybe there are & i just never saw them. i love my kids so intensely…but i have the most terrible fantasies about losing them.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry you had that experience. Glad she’s gone. I tried to tell her not to come and invite herself, but shes gone around the bend. Besides she raised Bridget so change is a bad word in her life. What a f up. Love you.


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