that would be my message in a bottle
assuming a rejection
because it feels like rejection
all of it
my entire life
feels like rejection….
what for
you bury me
in the cold…cold
ground?
a quote from a saturday morning memory
back when life seemed like
something i was waiting for
surely something good
would happen
for all the bad
i had endured
but it doesn’t work
like that
does it?
people from bad childhoods
grow into adults
who only know what hurting feels like
who only recognize pain
as a feeling
who run away
honestly terrified
of anything that doesn’t fit
the fucked up pattern
their childhood
mottled onto
them.
the drawing is inspired by egon schiele
the quote is from looney tunes
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Damn. This hit way too close to home. I see Truth in it. I re-read what you wrote over and over again. For there amongst the ink something stirred…. dawning realization. You’re right. I recognize it because it’s a bit too true in my own life. Only recognizing the warm cocoon of familiar pain and rejection. Anything else must be false, right??! Great. I’ve got much to consider. Once again.
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i know some people manage to escape the rhythms of a messed up childhood, but i am not one of them. i look at my ex-husband who behaves towards me like the worst of both of my parents…and i am flabbergasted that i sought that out in a partner while rejecting partners who weren’t emotionally abusive gaslighting narcissists. i see it…& yet something deeper in me–what–craves that abuse? craves isn’t the right word, but it is much more comfortable to be abused than to be treated respectfully. it is so fucked up. so fucked up. now i am terrified of dating at all because i don’t know if that fuckedupness will send me in the wrong direction once more.
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Yes! Yes exactly!! It’s so fucked up. I want to have hope, but…. damn.
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