frankenstein’s monster

i thought my soul
was calloused over.
that they could do
no more
to hurt me.
i guess a mother’s
love
or lack
thereof
is
something
you
never
grow too old
to be affected by.

no, wait, this is my favorite self-portrait. it’s me, as frankenstein’s monster. i am really happy about this.
the motivation, not so much.

my parents plane takes off in 25 hours and 30 minutes. i have barely survived. my anxiety has developed its own anxiety.

but i have not killed them nor myself.
there is nothing like having the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally
the ONE person who is supposed to love you
no matter what
there is nothing like hearing her say to you
“you are a bad person”
or her calling you an “asshole”
& a “stupid-ass”
& an “interloper.”

it has been eye-opening. and healing in its own weird way to realize where all this low-self esteem comes from.
and, of course, tons of material for an upcoming tell-all memoir.

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Author: emje

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, homesteading, fermenting, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

3 thoughts on “frankenstein’s monster”

  1. it’s almost over. you have been strong and survived. your mom used to be nice, but I think her lifestyle with your dad affected her personality. I rarely even try to talk to her anymore because it’s like she isn’t concerned with my life, all about her and how unhappy she is. very sad life they have.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i’m sorry. i know how that feels 😦 she has been here two weeks and has not asked me anything about myself or my life. she just keeps pointing out what a bad daughter i am.
      i know some of my siblings have had better relationships with her…but she & i have never been close. she says it is because i am like dad.
      thank you for your encouragement ❤

      Like

  2. Mama’s have no idea what they do to their children. I tried to break the cycle with my own. I didn’t beat them half to death and I told them all that they were beautiful, intelligent and important.
    True…they no longer speak to me because they had to choose their cheating daddy and his tramp over me…but I did the best I could and I was always there for them when they were young.
    The most important thing for you and all of us to remember is this.
    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER.

    Liked by 1 person

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