i love my kids…but i hate being a mom….

i hate being the one in charge
i hate being the bad guy
i hate having to be the one who makes sure we don’t run out of
toilet paper
clean clothes
toothpaste
shoes that fit
food
i hate being the one that has to make impossible ends
meet
i have to
no one else is going to do it
i have to find ways to fix
messes that seem impossible to fix
i have to referee fights
that seem to have no end
i hate being referee
i hate being mom
i want to not have to worry about everything
to not be the one who is supposed to have all of the answers
i want to find room in my heart
for me
to not feel overwhelmed by them
i want to be able to breathe

it’s not them though
is it?
it’s not being a mom so much
as my being damaged
damaged by life
damaged by parents, damaged by exes
never taught to love myself
in the way a person needs to be able to
so that person can be a good mom
neglected by my own mom
leaving me unable to cope
abandoned
abused
by the man who was supposed
to do this with me
be there for me
now
i just want to hide, heal, and lick my wounds
but as a mom
i just can’t seem to
there are just too many other things
that need to be
done….

page11

yesterday i collapsed in a heap and all i could think was, “i hate being a mom. i hate being a mom. i hate being a mom.” it was both a relief to think it…and horrifying.

i didn’t always hate being a mom…if you read my wordpress profile thing-y here, it sounds like i used to really think i was a good mom….
(i wish i could remember that feeling.)

though it was a cruel awakening when i became a mom and realized i was working harder than i ever had before–but i wasn’t getting any pay or benefits. after a lifetime of supporting myself, i was now dependent on a partner who was–well–crappy. he would tell me my position as a mom was pointless and why was he the only one earning money? he would tell me to get a job. i was exhausted to my bones–and he was telling me i wasn’t earning anything therefore i was lazy…useless? and he wasn’t the only one. our society echoed him. subtle or blatant, i got the message loud and clear.

i was a mom now–and now i did not matter.

page12

gone was my independence. my ability to just pack up everything i own and go somewhere new. just go. whenever i wanted. be free whenever i felt caged. now i was anchored. by one..then two..then three..and finally four little anchors.

gone was time to myself. my crappy partner put that last nail in my coffin. no art. no writing. (right now i have a five year old begging me to color & i really really don’t want to color–i want to exorcise this demon–i want to write.) no exercise even because no one would let me. seriously. i was not allowed to do the walks i used to do daily to clear my head & keep my weight down. if i wanted to go–everyone wanted to go with me–and it became an unbearable circus…

page13

i know there are people out there devastated because they can’t have children. i used to be one of those people. i wanted to cry every time a friend or a sister got pregnant. i tried for 10 years before i got pregnant. i dreamed of being a mom. i dreamed of having that love in my life. of course, i thought, being a mom will fix what is wrong with me.

but i wasn’t careful about with whom i had my kids. that was my mistake. my biggest mistake. i didn’t realize how much that would change things…taint things. that partner who doesn’t value you–or your role as the mother of his children.

it’s devastating…at least for me…it has damaged me so deeply sometimes i feel like i am unable to love at all.

but i love my minions. i do. as much as i hate being a mom sometimes–i never stop loving them.
so that’s something, right?

something salvageable?

page15

(these illustrations are more  from the project i am working on “the mistress of mud” with a friend of mine. yesterday i posted that i hadn’t gotten any work done, but i realized i actually had…and i did the one at the top of the post last night as i played around trying to emulate david mack’s style.)

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Author: em4mighty

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

4 thoughts on “i love my kids…but i hate being a mom….”

  1. I think a lot of moms feel the way you do. No one knows what they’re getting into. Society lies. Being a mom is a full time job with out pay. You’re right. Love has nothing to do with it. It’s another way to keep women dependent and poor. Still, love has nothing to do with it. Men can leave, men can do anything they want to but women are brainwashed into believing that they are responsible for EVERYTHING. Living in a male dominated society sucks. You don’t have to feel guilty about not wanting to color. Do your art and try and sell it, or get it into magazines. That’s something that can bring in some money. Looking for a guy to rescue you…well, good luck with that. You can love your kids but not love being a mom or woman in a society that doesn’t respect either one of those things.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i know i cannot expect a guy to rescue me. i think i would have better luck hooking up with another mom if i were looking for help & support!!
      the way our society & my ex treat mothers makes me so so so pissed off. and then i think–well, i chose it, didn’t i? but it’s not that simple. i chose to be a mom. i didn’t choose to be treated like crap for it.
      fuck.
      after i had my breakdown yesterday, i texted my ex to tell him how much he sucks. that helped a little 🙂

      Like

      1. LOL It does help to tell people off, right? It’s a hard job (that’s why men don’t do it) being a mom and it never stops, no matter how old they are, believe me, age doesn’t matter. Once a mom, always a mom but each age comes with a different set of problems. Eventually, they fly away, not too far maybe, but they are on their own. So many women feel trapped and they don’t like not working and having money of their own. It’s not that way for everyone but for a lot of them. Love never has anything to do with it, not really. Women have to take care of so much, kids, the house, the money, parents, significant others, teachers, etc. Men get to go to work and come home, at least in most cases. Rarely do they care for parents or take responsibility for what’s actually going on. When a man does anything with his child, people tell the women how LUCKY they are and isn’t HE wonderful. OMG If you feel as if you’re going insane…take a step back and you’ll see that it’s just the system and it doesn’t make sense, THAT’S why you feel crazy. It’s set up to make you feel crazy because there’s NO logic behind it at all.

        Liked by 1 person

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