just leave me alone

you want me to be the mirror
to your healing
but i can only see the person
you have always been to me
you haven’t changed
you’ve just gotten better
at faking
you want me to be your validation
that you are
but i can only see the toxicity
the same toxicity
with more sugar coating
i know you are hurting
i know you are afraid
but i cannot save you
cannot heal you
cannot bear you
in my life

dusty just won’t fucking stop. funny how once i wanted this attention so badly. once i would have eaten up his words as if they were the only thing keeping me alive. i wanted to hear him say these things to me so many times when he was cold to me. when he was treating my like second..third..last choice….

of course he is saying the words, but they are lies. he is saying the words, but if i don’t listen & respond & believe, he quickly switches back to the old script. the script where everything is my fault. the script of blame.

dusty can’t keep his disguise on with me for very long if i don’t play along.

he does this thing.
he will woo & woo & woo & flatter & lament his own faults & stupidity…and i will say “no, i’m not buying it. goodbye.”
and, literally, the very next thing out of his mouth is:

we need to decide what to do about the kids.

or something to that effect. something that triggers my anxiety about losing my minions. ever since fidgit was a baby–whenever things get rough & i say i am leaving:

i want the kids half-time.

why is that a go-to move if he is so eager to fix things between us? if i play along and pretend we have a future, he never pushes the child custody envelope. he never asks to see them more than one week out of a month. i know he loves seeing them, but he often resents them as well. yes, sometimes i resent them too–or no–not them–but my decision to have children with him. i resent that he has control over me via the kids. i resent that i do not have a partner willing to support me as i mother our children–willing to parent beside me, sharing the work of it equally. i resent that. being only human, sometimes my resentment effects my mothering…i wish it didn’t.

he has anxiety now. i never noticed it before. maybe it’s because he has cut back on his pot smoking?? but now he has terrible anxiety and it emerges as obsessive texts to me, begging me to talk to him. it is ridiculous. i mean, i am sorry he feels anxiety…i can remember trying to cling to him to ease the madness of my own anxiety…i wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  but i am trying to take care of four kids and a small homestead and a sick turkey and a neonatal kitten and a household of laundry, dishes, meals…and he is freaking out because i haven’t texted him right back.
half the time i don’t even know where my phone is.
i feel sad that i have learned not to let myself feel that need to soothe him.
i feel angry that after everything he has done to me he still turns to me to soothe him.
i feel hopeless that anything will ever change between us.
he says all the right words–but if they don’t work–he says all the wrong ones.
and he has rewritten our history to suit his own needs.
i think he might be delusional.
the alternative is too scary to think about…that he knows exactly what he is doing….

5 thoughts on “just leave me alone

Add yours

  1. I doubt he really wants the kids. Most men can’t handle kids for very long. He’s scaring you. Maybe a lawyer would understand that you are being threatened and not let him have the kids. Can he even support them? Does he have a job, day care? Is he just taking?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. he abhors the legal system. i don’t think he would willingly go to court. that’s usually my counter-move if he pushes too hard. he doesn’t want to have to work…or to pay child support (he has given me less than $500 all year). i think he thinks that if he has the kids, he won’t have to pay for stuff? and will have a reason not to work? he texted me about how he doesn’t care about work or dating–that the kids are the most important thing. of course, he hasn’t worked through a lot of our relationship–in or out of the house (the kids never got extra attention for his not working)–and he has dated other women through a lot of our relationship–at the expense of the kids. i juggle credit card debt to buy what the kids need. if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t have clothes, toothbrushes, books, etc. if he ever does take them half time, he will have to buy a whole set of everything for his place–i already supplied him with toothbrushes or they probably wouldn’t have any there.
      the most exhausting part is trying to explain all of this to him & get him to understand. he is never going to understand. he truly lives in his own reality where he is some kind of hero.


      1. The court won’t give him the kids unless he has a job and can prove that he can support and care for them. You can ask a lawyer but once you find out then he can’t threaten you any longer and it will be over once and for all…instead of playing the game you’re playing.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. i have talked to legal aid. i know i am in a far better position than he is. he must know that too. i don’t want to play games–i just want him to stop & be human. it probably isn’t going to happen…but that doesn’t mean i still don’t want it to happen.


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