i have a wicked head cold.
which might be responsible for this inking & its title.
which may have been a psychosomatic response to my letting dusty move back in.
i can barely breathe.
i can barely think.
my functionality is pretty limited.
it might be a defense mechanism of mine.
i was once sick for a month straight in one doomed relationship.
i can’t remember which one.
it’s like my body says, “this is bullshit.”
and shuts down.
my immune system gives up on me.
or thinks, “maybe this will get her attention.”
how many times can i fuck up in the exact same way?
maybe that should be the title of my memoirs….
i have been working on the same inking for days now. playing sick (and actually being sick with a vicious head cold) from my art and blog life.
i think i am afraid to finish a new picture because i will have to blog something here about my life…& i’m not so happy about my life right now.seems i am back in re-runs again…but the inking is almost done, and i will post it tomorrow.
…so i buried a newborn lamb this morning.
not the cutie in the picture, but the twin that was later born…stillborn…sometime in the night or early morning. i found her curled up in her sac. perfect, still, and cold. i buried her, and then spent the rest of the day–first obsessing that i should have checked on buttercup (the mom) through the night and earlier in the morning. and then obsessing that maybe the baby wasn’t dead and that i just needed to get her out of her sac, rub her vigorously, warm her up, maybe give her mouth to mouth….
and then i wondered if i was doing the same thing with my relationship with dusty. obsessing over all of the things i’m doing wrong…trying to resurrect a dead thing.
because this just isn’t working out.
his being here.
what went wrong?
other than everything.
it’s very possible i cannot be in a relationship with anyone. i have a touch of the OCD and am very particular about so many things…and he takes it personally. i have been trying to not let it get to me–you know, when he moves things from the place i keep them…or leaves things in a state that i would not have…. when i was nineteen, i thought if i ever got married i would have separate houses.
and then there are his issues. he goes on the defensive. he has started accusing me of gaslighting him (after i pointed out how he gaslights me.) he goes on the offense when he feels he has to protect himself. like mean & shout-y offense. an offensive offense.
and then i shut down.
and the circle spins. our vicious circle.
the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. but i get so hopeful & deluded so easily.
maybe it’s not hopeless…but it sure as fuck feels that way.
the wild and the tame
always fight for a balance
my anger and my calm
always seem at odds
the crazy and the sane
in my life
are a constant confusion
which do i embrace?
which do i change?
who am i today?
i don’t feel like talking about anything in therapy today, y’all. so i’m just going to post my picture.
i’m in kind of a “meh” mood about my art.
maybe i should work on a different project for awhile.
or an illustration gig for a friend.
maybe make a zine.
or work on a new page of moses jones: apocalyptic mama. right? who remembers mojo? who misses mojo? i miss her sometimes.
speaking of…things have taken a weird turn with the dusty knickers of my life…okay…not so weird, if you are familiar with our on-again/off-again relationship which showed up in my comic as his disappearing every time moses got pregnant. my dusty never left me–in the physical sense, but did pull away emotionally. and behaved self-destructively. and was incredibly manipulative.
and i swore it was done and that i would never ever ever ever ever take him back again (i have broken up with him–maybe as many as seven times?–and he has inched his way back in, waiting until i am vulnerable….)
but i invited him back in, again, on a trial basis. and it is really nice to have him back. i am well aware that this is the “honeymoon” period…but–as cautious as i am, it is nice to have him back.
so…can people change?
he had some life-changing stuff happen. he realized a lot of things about himself and how his relationship with his mom shaped his self-destruction, lying, and manipulative behaviors. and now…he is behaving in a healthy way that i have never seen from him. like…communicating…like…having conversations & being human.
and even though i am lonely and desperate for company and tired of doing this alone…i don’t think i am vulnerable. i mean, i know i can do it alone if i have to.
but i don’t want to.
but i know that i can. and i am willing to do it alone rather than be in a fucked up relationship.
i guess we’ll see what happens.
i don’t have the best track record for making good decisions about men & relationships.
but…people can change…i mean, i have changed. i really have.
and you know what? i threw him out. i did it. i can do it again. i know i can. i know i am stronger now. more sure of myself.
he knows it, too.
except i’m not going to tell a story
not this time
things in my life
stranger than fiction
as they say
and i try to find the corner pieces
so i can put this puzzle together…
or should i just drop it on the floor?
say, “fuck it”
and walk away?
i can tell you this: i love doing my art. i love it. it is the best part of me sometimes. i love looking and finding and drawing out the image that may or may not be just in my head. if nothing else in my life makes sense…my weird-ass whimsical inkings do.
so that should tell you something.
i think i am going to put a few of them on mat board and try to have a show.
i think i am going to send a few of them off to publications and see if anyone bites.
i think i am going to rely on my art to give my life some sort of meaning when every other avenue is confused.
when i was young
and writing comics about
my disastrous relationships
i wrote one about my olphelia fantasies.
safe from love & madness…
you know, dead.
as i got older
more & more minions
my olphelia fantasies
were replaced by those of
i did this ink over the past few days. i saw olphelia floating there. and it seemed to me that all of these fantastic creatures had gathered to save her.
to save her from herself.
to save her from love & madness.
i thought that was a better ending.
notice the fantastic.
look for the magic.
let nightmare creatures
sink deep into the water.
this is written
in a much more comprehensive way
than i could have written
so i am sharing this post
with which i agree completely
and with all my heart
please read this:
Source: Ask Fear Out