ode to being pissed off

hey. you know what?
if i’m depressed and thinking about how nice it would be to just be dead…
to just escape
this
all of this.
it is not going to do any good to say,
“shut up, don’t say that, you have kids.”
because
here is the thing
one of the reasons i think death would be nice
is because i wouldn’t have to be a mom anymore.
do you get that?
please, get that.
but it did work out.
you pissed me off.
what? am i an incubator? am i just a big nipple?
am i not a person?
do i not matter?
if i had no children, would it be okay then, if i wanted to die?
do you only care about me
because you hate to see motherless children?
there are plenty of suffereing children. go rescue one. if you want to help me
you listen
you don’t tell me what i should be thinking or doing or feeling
you fucking listen.
so now i’m pissed off
which is good
because it is hard to be sad when you are pissed off.
now i want to spite you for suggesting all i am is a vessel
only valued for my contributions as a mother
(and frankly
never really valued for that either)
so now i’m pissed off and i’m going to live to fight another day
take that
motherfuckers.

my big epiphany for the day is that women are taught to not get angry. to be nice & pretty & to smile and to not make a big deal out of it.
and so we stuff all that anger down…and it contributes or results in a state of depression. we can’t be mad. we can’t be sad either…but it is easier to hide sad.
and mothers suffer it the most. we have to be everything. strong, but not too strong. always there. able to fix any problem. no time to think about yourself–why would you want to think about yourself? what? you’re thinking about yourself?? we have to love being a mother. it has to define us.
but what if it doesn’t? what if we have doubts?
stuff that down, too.

so i was depressed. now i’m just pissed off. which is good. all that sad is turning to mad and i am letting it out to go where it needs to go. i told those fucking exes who i have been reaching out to–out of loneliness–i told them what i needed to tell them. basically, to fuck the fuck off. i don’t need them. i really really really don’t. in fact, i am way better off without them. but i had to find that out. and i had to get pissed off.i had to realize that they actually made me feel more alone, because they couldn’t give me what i needed. and they don’t want to give me what i want. and i just have to get over it.

and get pissed off about it.

so maybe depressed women (men too?) need a healthy and appropriate outlet for their anger. maybe? i know it’s not that simple, but, hey it couldn’t hurt.

are you depressed? let’s go burn something down!
(at least we can burn a bridge to that toxic person in  your life who you keep around because you haven’t gotten pissed off enough)

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Author: emje

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, homesteading, fermenting, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

6 thoughts on “ode to being pissed off”

  1. I couldn’t agree more. People never appreciate anger. People never stop trying to make everything nice, when it’s not…so I agree with that as well. Like when my son died and people said he was in a better place. WTF? No one knows where he went from here and was wasn’t with us a “better place.” It’s all stupid, that’s why I stopped talking to people. You can fell anyway you like. You can be angry and let me tell you my mom a NICE person and she got kicked around and treated like a doormat because nice people are OFTEN taken advantage of. You get to be pissed off and angry and you don’t have to listen to people who have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH. Mad is always better than sad. Mad is how things get done.

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    1. completely! i realized, while realizing all of this, how often boyfriends & husbands have repressed my anger and completely invalidated it. my second ex-husband even..somehow?..convinced me i couldn’t be mad about him having an affair. fuck all that. i am so good at being pissed off, but no one seems to appreciate it. i lived in a “progressive” cooperative community–a cleverly disguised patriarchy–my justified anger almost got me kicked out. if people were more willing to just get pissed off, it might solve a lot of the current administration issues. thank you, as always, for being supportive & for getting me ❤

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      1. I hope you noticed all the spelling errors in my response because I was pissed off that you had to go through that. LOLOL Never allowing women to be angry is a way of controlling all of us. Forcing us to to be cut off from society by having us live in houses, taking care of children and constantly cleaning, washing clothes, etc., holds us back as well. Having SOCIETY tell us that if we are unhappy with housework and raising children…there is something WRONG WITH US, when SOCIETY is sick and evil for never allowing women to be the best they can. Society (READ SELFISH, CONTROLLING, RICH WHITE MALES) are happy to let our intelligence and brilliance go to waste, rather than compete with us. We are pushed into rolls that men don’t want and we are expected to LIKE IT and not complain. See, that’s the thing. Society is set up in such a way that it polices itself because all the terrible and hateful ideas that are part of our society are BELIEVED by people who don’t know how to think…so they lash out at anyone who refuses to conform. They do it because they are too afraid to do what THEY want to do and they do it because they feel they will be rewarded for keeping others in their place. Plus people are mean a lot of the time. So, I totally understand how frustrated you are. Blah on all of them. Of course they want you out. What if your behavior inspires the same behavior in OTHERS. OMG then more women might start thinking for themselves. You are disruptive because you refuse to play the game and that, is a completely CONTROLLED society is a very dangerous thing.

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      2. i was born a non-conformist (thank god) and have been treated like a pariah ever since. i am glad that i have enough anger & spite & determination in me to be myself. it’s not easy, but when i forget to be myself or let someone else tell me who to be, i feel like i am dying.
        i am going to keep on fighting & keep on using my anger to build good things. ❤

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    1. oh–& totally on our culture (the world) and it’s treatment/repression of women. i was wondering today about how fucking awesome would i be if i hadn’t of been squashed all my life? i would rule the world!! when i became a mom one of my first reactions was, “what the fuck? why are moms treated like indentured servants and made to feel completely worthless? this is not what i signed on for!?”

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