i am both, harold & maude….

no.
chances are
i won’t kill myself
because i have kids
& anxiety about death
but isn’t it enough
that i want to?
that i think about it?
a lot?
enough
for someone to take me seriously?
it was almost better when i didn’t
reach out & ask for help
when i didn’t try to create a supportive
community
it was almost better
because then i could only blame
myself
for not having anyone to
talk to.
and keep some hope
alive.

maybe i’m reaching out to the wrong people. problem is…there are only so many people i like. that i trust. that i feel safe or comfortable reaching out to. and none of them catch me when i fall.

maybe i should be a hermit. embrace my loneliness and dive into it. be my loneliness.

when i suggested to one “friend” that i felt like killing myself, he said, “shut up. i know you wouldn’t do that to your kids.”
another “friend” completely ignored my request for help, and i have not heard from him since.
another just treated it as business as usual and barely seemed to register my state of pain.

but, again, maybe i am reaching out to the wrong people.
maybe i purposely don’t reach out to the people who might be able to help.
maybe i want to be a mess.

or maybe i know it is easier to fail than to put in the work to save myself. or maybe i think i will fail and don’t want to know for sure…so i just don’t go there.

so i self-medicate with whiskey and netflix…and try to get through the day.

music helps.

lots of music.

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Author: emje

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, homesteading, fermenting, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

6 thoughts on “i am both, harold & maude….”

  1. Quit that kind of talk right now. You only go around once in life. I hated my life once, but then, it got to be good and I was glad for what I had.  I still medicate for depression and anxiety,  but each day here is a blessing. You want to see your kid’s grow up, I know. 💕 Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

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    1. writing things like this helps me to exorcise the demons. to “quit that kind of talk” would be to repress my feelings. how is that going to help? telling a depressed person to quit it? that is just about the opposite of what that person needs to hear.

      Like

  2. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch right now. I understand how mentally and physically exhausting it can be when you’re at war with yourself over whether or not you want to live or die. It’s so draining sometimes I can barely seem to get anything else accomplished after a bad episode. I also know that reaching out and not getting the responses you need from people can be rather jarring and extremely disconcerting. I tried to reach out to my mother about the fact that I felt suicidal when I was in high school and she basically told me that if I wanted to die that badly why didn’t I just do it? Needless to say, the aftermath of all of that was pretty bad. I hope you can find a better support system. Having a good support system has helped me immensely.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you. i know it passes–but while i’m feeling it it is completely overwhelming. i realized today that getting pissed off is one of the ways i survive depression. people like to say that anger is bad, but anger has kept me alive through so much crap. i’m sorry your mom said that. that is awful. i had a little sister saying fucked up shit like that to me…my mom just wasn’t really there at all. she was too wrapped up in her own drama.
      i’m glad you have a good support system! i wonder if maybe i am just a pariah sometimes.
      though i do find people who make me feel better–but mostly they live so far away.
      argh! the world is too big.
      i need to just kidnap the people i love and keep them in my basement…(that is completely a joke as the result of too much whiskey & netflix)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I feel like if it was legal to kidnap all of the people who help me and put them in one place, I would be very tempted to do so. Unfortunately, right now most of the people who really help me don’t live super close.

        Liked by 1 person

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