garden city

i never wanted to do this
but i am
profoundly everlastingly
there is no end in sight
i try to ask for help
no one listens
& i remain

i never planned to have four kids by myself out in the country. i crave community & i crave contact. i crave a connection.
i am an introvert, and i enjoy my alone time. but this is different. this is ridiculous.
i am alone with four children.
and i’m not sure i should be a mom.
i’m so tired of being screamed at.
i’m so tired of being peed on.
i’m so tired of losing my mind.
who am i?
am i a monster?
why can’t i do this?


no one should be expected to do this. be alone. alone with children.
no one should be expected to do this.
but even when i lived in a housing co-op, with 30 other adults…i was alone. i would be struggling, right in front of them, my audience. i would be struggling–& they would turn away. often literally.

it’s not just me is it?
it’s us. as a culture. so cut off from one another.
i thought it was just because i never ask for help,
but they turn away even if i do.
and leave me.



2 thoughts on “garden city

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  1. Can’t press “like” because you are so lost, at the moment. Unhappy and cut off, but think of options. Maybe you could put the kids in daycare and work. Get out of the house. Find good homes for your animals and unburden yourself of their care. That’s the problem, from what you have been writing…too many to care for, leaves you no time for yourself and you seem to feel that you don’t know how to care for the animals, or the kids. Kids are tough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. it’s like i have a constant internal battle going on. i really do want the kids & animals & homestead…but then part of me is terrified & just wants to run away. i am trying to work it out. it’s a long & uphill struggle.


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