work in progress

when i was in my late teens & early twenties
i had such debilitating social anxiety
that i could barely carry on a conversation
much less express how i felt in a constructive way
my therapist taught me to approach a situation with this:
“i feel _____ when you _____”
i need to remember this
as well as to examine why
i feel that way when you _____.
in this world as i know it.
i see two problems with communication.
those who don’t follow the above advice
and react without thinking
and those who over-think the situation
and never act on it.
my realizing this doesn’t fix anything.
the world seems to continue on with it’s problems
despite my epiphanies…
but i am going to do my best
to examine why i feel hurt when my feelings are hurt
and to just ACT when i see someone else being hurt.
i was going to post this on facebook. but i think i need to severely curtail my relationship with facebook for the sake of my mental health as well as for the sake of my children who are the only ones nearby i can vent at when i have absorbed just way too fucking much of the facebook world.
so from now on i will blog my thoughts and share the post on facebook. if anyone wants to listen to my rantings…or peruse my art…you can always just look at my art and get a more veiled look at my psyche than my journal provides…so if anyone wants a look-see, they will have to leave facebook and come here. i know it is just one link click away…but it’s one click away.
i feel safer here than i do on facebook. i kinda shoot from the hip and choose to try to express myself effectively rather than thinking about how someone might interpret my word usage. i was recently “called out” on facebook (i hate that expression) for using a word. however, i used the word correctly & inoffensively & in referencing my own mental health, but someone was still offended by it. instead of talking to me about it, this person just berated me. and i withdrew, but i refused to take it back.  maybe if she had said, “i feel _______ when you _________” then i would have known that she was responding to me as a human & not just reacting to a word i used in a way  she didn’t like. and i in turn could think about why i felt it necessary to use the word and why i was hurt by her berating me for it.
here is what i am going to do:
i will not use my words to hurt (or if i do it will be clear that i intend to hurt with them–like calling trump an asshole.) but if my words do end up hurting, instead of just attacking me, tell me why you feel that way. okay? let’s have a conversation about it.
so my brain being on overdrive is one reason i have not finished my ink. lately i have been getting at least one a day worked on, but i am stuck on this one. with all of the “oh my god look what trump is doing now” in my facebook feed & in my email, i am shutting down and unable to function. i constantly have that nagging feeling in my head that there is something wrong that i need to obsess about…and then i realize it is everything. i need to worry about everything that is going on in the world.
but actually, what i need to worry about is taking care of my kids and my homestead and even myself–because if i shut down due to internalizing all of the bullshit trump is doing, i will be useless at saving the world.
and i need to do art.
but in the meantime, if you need somewhere safe to stay, here i am. come stay at my homestead. i would love to have my place be  a functional safe haven for oppressed people.
and i will be your ally when i do venture out into the world…even if i sometimes use inappropriate words like “fucktard.”

8 thoughts on “work in progress

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  1. Start my morning looking at fb and it ruins my day. I agree with you, get away. Thought it would be better after inauguration,  but is worse. 

    Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

    Liked by 2 people

    1. yes. i have realized that instead of inspiring me, facebook is actually paralyzing me. how can i approach and fix one thing if i am being smothered by everything? so, other than my art & blog, i might be absent from facebook.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I only blog. I think you’re making the right choice, besides, it takes too much time to do everything. A word of advice…don’t take anything personally. You can’t care about what others think, do or say, because no one can satisfy other people. They only see the world through their own experiences and have absolutely no clue what anyone else is going through. You never have to explain yourself all you have to do is live your own life. Really, it is that simple. It might be hard at first but if you just ignore everyone and hang up on people you don’t want to listen to, or those who are NOT MAKING YOUR LIFE BETTER, you’ll get rid of the icky people. Anyone who brings you down, anyone who doesn’t enhance your life, doesn’t have to be in your life. You can pick and choose. Help when you want to and don’t when you don’t want to. The ONLY person you have to make happy is YOU. If YOU’RE happy, your kids will be happy and all the people around you will be happier too. That’s the way it works. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. If you feel as if you do…reevaluate and ask yourself why you feel that way and THEN ask yourself WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. Just try it. It works. 🙂 Love your artwork.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you. trust me, i am quick to burn a bridge & just recently swore off my younger sister who is awful & judge-y, but i worry that the world is in the shape it is for lack of communication. so if someone is willing to talk to me–AND listen to me, i do want to have that conversation for the sake of making the world a better place. however, i will not tolerate abuse. i have suffered much abuse & am quick to shut down for it. i may actually be incapable of bonding & have recently started examining that…. i truly want to make the world a better place. i am tentatively reaching out. “work in progress” refers to myself as well as my art.
      writing about my internal struggles here actually helps me to sort things out in my head & in my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. i’m not talking about tolerating hate. i am all for NOT over-thinking & just punching nazis & misogynists right in the noggin. but i find i often get questioned by people who i think i am on the same side as because i do it wrong. i think we need to stop worrying about doing it wrong, and just do it. just punch the nazi. stand up for the oppressed. & if i feel hurt by someone telling me i’m doing it wrong–or if someone feels hurt by perceiving i am doing it wrong–maybe that should be looked more closely at, but not at the sacrifice of action in stopping oppression.
        again, a work in progress ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love the language you speak ❤️ you are a safe place for me! I drop socially unacceptable words all the time when I’m choosing to speak freely and unfiltered – and that’s the only place I can really speak from! Shield yourself from the chaos and be free amongst like minded creatures xx

    Liked by 1 person

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