the saga of stella & squiggles

i avoided having pets for years & years
i was very nomadic
and had a history of having severe personality disorders in reaction to owning pets.
(my dad murdered & abused many of my pets, & i kind of shut down emotionally as a result)

then in 1996 a redneck boyfriend found a puppy in the woods
and forced the thing upon me.
i hated & hated that puppy, otis.
and then i fell in love with him.
and then he got hit by a car & killed before he was even a year old
when he ran away
after i sent him to live with a friend
because i felt i could not be who he needed me to be.
my heart broke into a million pieces.
and a little bit more of me died.

i got a rebound puppy.
and then another dog.
and then another.
and then i got rid of a dog
and then another.
i managed to keep one until he was 14 and falling apart and i buried him in the garden.
but i never fell in love with him.
we tolerated each other…for fourteen years
(same number of years i was with my ex)

then fidgit & iggy both insisted they had to have a dog
for years this went on
until i was finally at a place where i could have a dog.
but i had to get two because i had four kids each saying
they wanted a dog.
so i adopted two six month old cattle dog/border collie mixes
(herd dogs are my favorite)
and then things fell apart.

fidgit decided he was a cat person.
the ex complained constantly about the dogs.
i started to love them…but then my heart froze.
they terrorize the cat…the chickens…the lambs.
and with two of them and four minions,
i can’t get them trained the way they need to be trained.

and i find myself hating them
for the one more thing in my life
that i cannot manage
and that makes me feel like a failure as a human being.

i decided to find stella a new home
and to keep squiggles (who became iggy’s dog)
squiggles fits in
stella tolerates us but would be happier somewhere else…
i have been trying to find her a home with no luck.

img_2933

meanwhile,
i keep losing more & more of my mind
and feeling like less & less of a person.

then yesterday
they ate some bread dough i left to rise in a stupid place.
and i hated them so much for it.
and i had a screaming meltdown.
i put them in their crate and hid from the world.

i thought they would be okay
but this morning they were so so sick
vomiting & wobbling.
turns out
dogs get alcohol poisoning from bread dough.

i didn’t know.
i feel like such a dumb fuck.
i feel like it is my fault for hating them
that i brought this on with my own
bad behavior.

now they are at the vet
$400 or more per dog
for them to detox.

so…long story short
there is no hope for my frozen heart
and the demons that tell me i am an awful
dogmother
& that i will probably never be a proper dog person
because there is that gaping hole where my heart should be….

but if you want to buy some art
i can sell you prints or originals
to pay the vet bill for which i have exactly
$0.00

if you do want to buy art
leave me a message
and we can work it out.
i still need to figure out how to build a store here…

 

Advertisements

Author: em4mighty

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

2 thoughts on “the saga of stella & squiggles”

  1. Oh Em what a horrible situation!! I wish I could take Stella, as crazy as she is, I do like her. I’ve picked out a few things that I would like prints of, and after I move hopefully I can buy some to help you out a bit. Hopefully they feel better soon. It definitely won’t be easy to rehome a sick dog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hopefully stella will feel better soon. the vet called it a hangover. stella, of course, did not ingest as much as squiggy the piggy, so she was recovering faster.

      yes, let me know if you want some prints. i’m not sure what to have printed up. i am waiting to see what people are interested in. if i don’t hear from anyone, i might just have an assortment printed up & then market them…somehow.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s