so i looked at this ink stain


and i did not draw a labia.
but then i was like, “lips are lips are lips.”
and drew the other set of lips one would find on a lady.

i am currently single and sexually inactive.

if you have read my blog, you  know what an incredible mess i am. today i had to sit my kids down and explain to them that my childhood was so fucked up that i have a lot of anger issues and that i feel really bad for being screamy and calling them “spoiled brats.” (not at all my finest moment…really really bad, in fact.) i tried to tell them that i had really bad role models. that my dad was physically & emotionally abusive. that i am trying–even when it seems i’m not. i’m trying to be a better mom. i get so angry when i feel like no one is listening. so angry. and you know what kids like to do? they like to not listen.
and my dad had us all doing chores from the age of five. like on a child labor level. and i don’t want to do that to my kids because it was awful. but then i get all pissed off when they don’t help me and say “no!” when i ask for help (hence the nasty name calling.)
and then my anger is intensified by the fact that i just spent the past 14 years with their dad who did the bare minimum…and had a bag of tricks for encouraging a person to not even ask him for help…
you know, like ignoring them…
or snapping at them…
or agreeing to help & then not…
until you got to the point where you just fell into a black hole of despair whenever you needed help. i mean, you can see the able-bodied man right there…but when he tells you you are “controlling” or “playing games” when you ask for help…you stop asking.
especially considering your parents did the same trick.
ignoring you when you asked for help.
ignoring you when you asked for attention.


so, yeah. i have anger issues.
and i know my kids are the last people on earth who deserve that anger…but they are right there. and kids are brilliant at provoking. that’s what kids do. yesterday my three year old dumped paint on the floor and then later in the same day, dumped pebbles all over the floor. it’s what kids do. they test their environment. they push the envelope. they learn by doing. poppy is excellent at being a three year old.

recently on facebook, some trolls got mad at me because i said i choose not to spank because being spanked only taught me to fear my parents and to not trust them. i said i want my kids to not be scared of me–i want them to come to me when they are scared.
and that upset some women?
i’m really not sure why?
i try to never judge another person’s parenting because parenting is so fucking hard with so many fucking decisions to make.
but they called me a “sensitive twit,” and started commenting things like, “let us know when your kids go to prison.”

there are studies that show that screaming at your kids is just as damaging. i think so anyway. i’m kind of pulling that out of my ass. but i think i read that somewhere. i think about that every time i lose it and scream at my kids.

but i’m not going to hit my kids. i’m not. as much as i want to sometimes when the anger is white hot inside of me and my eight year old has just pelted me with a bouncy ball after screaming, “i hate you.” i’m not going to hit him or grab him by the arm or physically hurt him in any way. i’m not going to spank a three year old for dumping out paint…but apparently i will scream at an eleven year old for not putting the paint away….

parenting is fucking hard. especially doing it alone. their dad gets mad when i call myself a single mom because he thinks that is insulting to him??? we have been divorced since 2010, but i am not allowed to say i am a “single mom.” of course,  i have felt like a single mom even when we were “together.” the other day he hadn’t called in a while, and i started fantasizing that he had died. fantasizing that i was free to live my life. fantasizing that i could find the kids a new dad that would show them how to be nice to the mom….
and then i felt disappointed when it turned out he was still alive.
i am an awful person sometimes.

i want to be better. i want to heal. i want to know what to do and to believe i am not fucking up my kids–constantly. every day i make it through without screaming, i mark it as a win. i hope i can move that bar up a little bit…one day?



3 thoughts on “lips

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  1. I am also a screamer. I learnt it from my mum. I hate it.

    In Australia it is illegal to hit your children – many parents still do though. Yet we have a very low prison population 🙂

    I don’t smack my children either. I don’t like it. I do scream and, holy crap we are so similar, my son left the paint out too and my 4 year old smeared it everywhere! I yelled at my 11 year old because he didn’t put the paint away and took the 4 year old to the bath.

    And it must be a 9 year old thing to scream I hate you and throw things. That is what my 9 year old does as well. Horrible, but a phase I think.

    I yelled at my 11 year old at 11.30 last night when he came out of his room because he heard the tv go on. He went to bed at 8.30 because I told him that I needed to have time when I was awake to just be in the house and do my own thing without catering to the needs of children. They usually all stay up later – until they are ready for sleep, but I really needed a break from the kids and a few drinks. It was the lack of respect for what I had said. I think I am like you in that I don’t feel like I’m heard and if I am they don’t listen anyway.

    The joys of being with your children 24 hours a day. You know them better than anyone – but there is never a break. And we all have our baggage that effects the way we perceive our reality. And sometimes it is just hard.

    Ah I’m rambling. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. oh my god–we are the same. i send mine to bed saying, “I NEED TIME ALONE!” and they migrate right back. i have to watch violent shows to scare off the 11 year old. the 8 year old likes the violent “grown up” shows. and i cannot get the 8 year old to move out of my bedroom. he has his own room but would rather sleep on a cot in my room. i will tell him “no,” and he will blatantly ignore me to set up camp anyway. someday this tenacity of his will be very valuable in life–right now to me, it is a pain in the ass.

      many times i have said to the 8 year old–i told you exactly what you are asking me now, but you did not listen when i told you. he will insist he has a hearing problem. i will say, no–you have a listening problem.

      i love & adore my kids. i also fantasize about sending them to public school. ha!

      thank you for letting me know i’m not alone. i hope that there are people who understand when i write these things–& worry that i am the only one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL oh Em! My 11 year old can hear EVERYTHING – except when I ask him to do something … He will listen in on private conversations. Yet if I ask him to stack the dishes (not even DO the dishes but just stack them for ME!) he won’t hear ….. He said it was a hearing problem and I said what you said. LISTENING PROBLEM!

        We MUST be sisters.

        Liked by 1 person

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