narcoleptic woodpecker

i have whole files full of one line–one paragraph–one page stories. whole journals full of incomplete thoughts and epiphanies. are you ready? i’m going to make them all into comics. maybe. if you’re lucky. turn them all into visual art. use what i have learned in my ink blot tests. use what i have learned in my comic making. use my whimsy and my darkness.

are you ready?

it’s the next step of my metamorphosis. changing and staying the same.

i got a lot done today as i am off of facebook forever…again. i worked on art files & writing files. i had to move all of my stories to google docs because my microsoft word expired and i am one broke-ass mama.
really.
i have no money.
i am living off of credit cards wondering if my ex will ever send me child support. probably not. when the kids stayed the week with him, he sent all their dirty laundry home with me because he didn’t want to use his mom’s detergent as i might not like it.
um…?
so i nicely suggested he buy his own laundry detergent.
i was nice about it.
really, i was. i am working very hard on not being aggressive…passive-aggressive–reactionary…any of those things that kept me in that same destructive cycle with him. i am being a model of cool, calm, & collected.
(that was what it said under my dad’s yearbook picture. my dad, destined to be a violent alcoholic…cool, calm, and collected. so…maybe i will have to work really hard on it as my example of cool, calm, and collected is a bit skewed….)

but i wasn’t so cool, calm, and collected with my kids. i had a screaming fit that scared the crap out of them. what’s the good of not being physically violent with my kids if i am going to lose my mind & scar them accordingly?
“i am losing my mind!” my three year old will say to me.
right.
i always love when they model my bad behavior right back at me.
i have a long way to go on being a sane parent. sometimes i cry, wondering if i would have been a good mom if i had had a supportive husband. if i had had loving parents of my own. if i hadn’t of been broken so severely and completely and eternally.

baby steps.
until i run out of time.

narc2

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Author: em4mighty

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

4 thoughts on “narcoleptic woodpecker”

    1. thanks!
      thank you for feedback! you are good about the feedback that i so desperately crave–thank you.
      yup. in his mind he was being helpful by not using perfumey detergent on the kids’ clothes. i’m done trying to force him to understand all these things that blare at me about how fucked up it all is.. i’m not worrying about him anymore. i have my own problems. a whole wagon load of them. i’m pretty proud of myself for letting go of “fixing” him and focusing on me instead. i’m sure he will continue to fight it though, but i’m tired of being the designated grown up in relationships.

      Like

  1. I love the idea of putting your one liners and one paragraph and one page stories to comics! I remember too thinking that the short poems (? prose? I don’t know how to label these things) that you would post about homesteading would make a great illustrated book.

    And you’re a wonderful mother. Don’t ever forget that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you! i have so much material that i just keep piling in a corner. i want to do SOMETHING with it. i’m still struggling with how i want to do it, but it seems to work best to just do stuff and see what does work.

      ugg. i feel like such a crappy mom. sometimes i have it together…other times, not so much. at least my kids will have good stories to tell :\

      Like

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