i can’t play the game

the internet game. i can’t do it. i can’t do facebook. i can’t network. i am terrible at being anything but sincere. and i am completely crushed when my sincerity is not returned in kind. i take people at face value…so if they are disingenuous, i feel like it is a personal attack.

i can’t play the game.

i should be a bronte sister hidden away on the moors. dreaming my silly dreams and never being allowed to interact with others. then i can keep my hopes intact. i could just send my stories & art out in the post and hear back in six weeks as to whether my stories and art will make it to publication.

i can’t do the internet.

i hate how fake i sound when i post about my fucking chickens when i just want to twist their heads off because i have control issues, and chickens are just uncontrollable…unless they are nuggets. i hate how fake i sound when i post about something cute my kids did or my garden when i feel like i am falling apart. when i feel like i am the worst mom ever. when i feel like it is all a sham. why am i even here? what is the point? i just want to pack my bags and disappear.

i can’t do this anymore.

i wonder if anyone else feels like this? that the world has become one stupid photo op? one stupid witty quip. one stupid tweet. one stupid selfie. one stupid picture of what isn’t falling apart in your life. just don’t look too close at that picture and everything will be fine.

or am i truly alone.

on the moors.

with my dreams whipping away in the wind.

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Author: emje

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, homesteading, fermenting, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

8 thoughts on “i can’t play the game”

  1. I feel that way a lot. Which is why some of my projects go unfinished and why sometimes I avoid social media altogether for days and weeks at a time. And it’s okay to be honest, to say “Fuck these uncontrollable ass chickens”. I keep a separate Tumblr that a lot of people don’t know about where I talk about how lonely and fat I am and get all of those feelings out to the world that way.

    And what’s wrong with sending out your stuff via post? I think it would be appreciated by some folks to have done the “old fashioned way”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i need to stay away from facebook. it encourages comparing one’s life to others & that is just a bad idea for those of us who border on being self-destructive.
      i’m probably going to work on getting art & writings out there.
      (i’m too impatient for the post–i was just fantasizing about being completely absolutely isolated.)
      maybe someday i will find my audience…or not.
      maybe i just need to go live on the island of misfit toys.
      i’m sorry you feel lonely & fat. you are a wonderful person. i wish i had some of what you have. ❤

      Like

  2. Beautiful, the world wants to hear your truth…how you want to twist the heads off of the chickens….every thing…they are thirsty for it; dehydrated. They want a light. They want the light of your truth. You’ll draw them to you with it. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. except for PETA. i don’t play well with the vegan crowd 😦 but, thank you for the encouragement! i am tired of wondering if people would still like me if they knew how messed up i am. i guess we’ll find out ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. and …. maybe we all feel like we are bad mothers? Fucking tv has a lot to answer for in creating unrealistic views of what is normal. And the more you diverge from the “normal” the more you feel like crap about yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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