i’m writing this because no one ever responds when i ask for feedback

when i was nineteen, i started going to therapy because i was dating a guy who i knew was bad for me, but i could not break up with him.
i knew he was bad for me before i even started dating him. me & another friend would make fun of him all the time calling him “geek lord” and telling each other horrible true stories about him. lets call him “lester.”
lester was all industrial & goth (it was the early 90’s.) he owned a “mystic bookstore” and was a total pervert. he would brag about how many times a day he masturbated–while attending to his store. he was so lazy he would pee in a pitcher instead of walking to the bathroom.
so i knew he was gross.
but i also knew he had the hots for me.
and somehow i started dating him. i’m not sure how it happened. i only know that i have extraordinarily low self-esteem and just want people to love me but cannot believe that anyone can actually love me.
so i started dating the “geek lord,” and he would do things like lock me in his basement to keep me from storming off. he once called my answering machine (the 90’s remember) and Β left between 20 & 50 messages starting with “fuck you, bitch,” and ending with him softly moaning along to a ministry song.
everyone i knew told me to break up with him.
“i know i should,” i would answer, but i would stay.

so i started going to therapy.

among many other things, my therapist told me i had the social skills of a five year old. i was nineteen at the time.

the social skills of a five year old.

crap.

i eventually broke up with him for good. i was trying to shop & he wouldn’t let me shop. that is a weird line in the sand especially considering i really don’t like shopping. however, i had decided i needed to change my wardrobe. if i just changed my wardrobe, everything would magically be better, right?
so i needed to change my wardrobe.
years later i realize that this is part of having anxiety & ocd…but back then i just recognized it as a need that i need need needed.
lester went shopping with me. but every store it was all about him & what would he look good in? then he got tired of shopping and insisted i was done.
i refused to stop, and he tried to force me into his car.

so i ran. literally.
and then i changed my phone number.
i changed my locks.
i stopped going anywhere in that small college town that i might see lester.

it was the first time i had to go to extremes like that…but not the last.

so i am sitting here. feeling defeated about no one responding to my blog. no one responding to my facebook. and jenny lawson not validating my existence. so i am alone; alone and arguing with children and dogs. all while i have just gone to extreme measures to break up with yet another abusive narcissist whom i desperately looked for love from…

and i wonder…where are my social skills now? have i made it any further?

and wondering if maybe my therapist was being generous in her assessment.

why am i so needy? why am i always searching for that love i believe i will never find? why does it feel like a knife in my heart when i look at someone else’s blog and their “about” page has more likes than my blog has in its entirety? what does it matter…or why does it matter?

but it does, somehow.

fuck. i just feel so alone.

and i read jenny lawson’s book, and i sob because she might be fucked up…but she has people who love her. i don’t have that.

and worse…i can’t even imagine having it.

Advertisements

Author: em4mighty

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

7 thoughts on “i’m writing this because no one ever responds when i ask for feedback”

  1. I don’t know how long you have had your blog or how long you have been writing…but I would encourage you to continue. There are so many of us who are or have been where you are.
    Keep reaching out. You will find a tremendous support system here. Sometimes, it starts with a few and the it will blossom.
    Low self-esteem after having been with a narcissist, be it a parent, a boyfriend or a husband is one of the things we suffer. That’s what they do best. They strip us of all feelings of self worth.
    Stay strong and keep asking for help. It’s out there.
    We are “a band of bloggies” and will be here for you. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i had low self-esteem before any narcissists got a hold of me. i was an easy target because of my low self-esteem.
      i just think i am perpetually unpopular. i describe myself as a “pariah.”
      i have been writing and reaching out to people with my art & writing for 33 years.
      i don’t know why (generally speaking) people don’t like me. but they don’t. i’m not the kind of person who ever gets to have a support system. i’m more the type of person who people chase with torches & pitchforks.

      Like

      1. Well, you know that I’m “dark and twisty.” My mama used to call me a parasite.
        If you dance to a different drummer, then you are my kind of person.
        I’m a double-edged sword. One side is so damaged because I was always a doormat. The other side is a vicious, revengeful, spiteful bitch who you’d better not fuck with.
        I’m trying to get some semblance of self-confidence back but it’s a tough road to hoe.
        You know you have value. Just try to believe it. That’s what people tell me.
        We’ll try together. How’s that?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am going to sound like a teenager for a min
    Sometimes to let someone that will love you and as much as you love them you need to learn to love yourself first βœ…β€οΈοΈ
    I know that is chesty and it is true πŸ˜˜πŸ’œ
    I LOVE YOU Em
    Have an Awesome day
    EmmaπŸ˜˜πŸ’œπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜˜

    Like

  3. I love you Em!! I’m not always the best at interacting on the Internet outside of Facebook which is terrible I know. But I read EVERY entry you post and I enjoy all of them. I also love going along on the ride that is your artistic progression. Seeing where YOU want to take your art and what you want to be working on is more important than what any outsiders think. I know I personally have started things and have gone in a different direction with them based on what I was feeling or passionate about at the time. And while it’s great to get that outside support and feedback, it shouldn’t dictate what you want to do with YOUR work.

    Like

    1. i’m not looking for direction. i do what i do. i just want to hear something so i know someone is out there. i don’t know how to explain it. i see other people with the thing i want–but i don’t know how to get it. i talk to myself all the time…but i still want to believe someone is listening. i feel just feel so alone. so completely alone. thank you for responding.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s