down the mountain with an armadillo

i don’t know what’s going on in this picture
i don’t know what’s going on in my own life
sometimes i feel at one with the universe
sometimes i want to scream until my voice is gone
maybe i want to scream
because i am one
with the universe
why isn’t the universe screaming?
or maybe it is
& we just aren’t listening.
maybe i can feel it screaming
and that is why i am so angry.

i just want to paint. to draw. to not feel so angry.
and i have a son
who is the essence of his father
i catch myself having the same
arguments with him
that i would have with his father
the same circle
discussions
accusations
frustrations
ending in screams
because we don’t know how to do this
i don’t want to hate my son
i do not hate my son
i just hate the circumstances
that create the chaos
that i find myself in.

well,
that makes about as much sense
as my picture.
so we have come full circle.

fuck.
here is the ink stain i started with:

inkstainarmadillo

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Author: emje

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, homesteading, fermenting, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

2 thoughts on “down the mountain with an armadillo”

  1. People get angry because they aren’t DOING or GETTING what they want. It’s that way for all of us. Try ignoring people who piss you off. I mean pretend they aren’t there and you can’t hear them. If your son drives you crazy smile at him and don’t engage. Engaging get all of us into trouble because we know that with certain people is always ends the same way so break the cycle and don’t play the game. Trust me on this, it works. It may make the other person really angry, because they are used to fighting and pushing your buttons, but if you do not engage and change the conversation, offer food, OR WALK AWAY, things truly do eventually change because I have found that people either start to feel foolish fighting by themselves or they get bored and all the fun and excitement is gone. You have to do it all the time or it won’t work, by the way. If you give in, they know they have you again. Just sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i totally agree. i just need to be able to step away.
      i mean, i know what i should do–but then there is what i end up doing.
      right now is a bad time for me because everything is right up on the surface and i am re-arranging all my bad habits, bad influences, bad experiences, and bad behaviors. putting them on the curb, but then not knowing where to go next.
      i’m at an awkward place in my “journey” to a better mindset. and though i try to not react, way too often do i not meet my own standards of relating to others.
      funny how people can learn the tricks to get you to engage when you truly don’t want to.
      so now i have to learn to see the tricks before i am tricked because i go from rational person to she-hulk without even realizing it.

      Like

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