sleepover

i found something to do with my anger.
i was striking out at everyone i cared about, seemingly without remorse. well, there was remorse, but i tucked it away.
i was getting uglier and uglier.
then it occurred to me, that i could use this absence of remorse to stand up to the person i never have the absence of feelings to assert myself to.
if that makes sense.
in my head, i am always telling him i want him to leave, but in reality i only say it during fights. then he dismisses it as soon as the fight is over.
so today, knowing my heart was cold
i told him not to come back.
you know what a cunt i am? he is in wisconsin for the death of his grandma. i took that opportunity to tell him not to come back.
that’s how cold, hateful, frozen and dark my heart was today.
i told him, “there is no good time to do this. there just isn’t.”
and that is true. but it doesn’t make me think i am being something of a cunt by kicking him out right after his grandma died.
but the thing is.
this horrible depression started as soon as he left for wisconsin. this horrible hateful madness. which is weird–usually i am happy when he goes.
but i realized i was depressed because i knew he would come back.
that he would come back.
that he would be back in my home.
tormenting me.
that i would be right back stuck in a terrible situation
of his living here and refusing to leave.
fuck me.
i felt better after i told him not to come back.
i felt better after standing up for myself.
even if it does make me a cunt.
i stood up for myself.
i said the words i have been thinking for months now.
god,
what a fucking relief.

i don’t feel good about it,
but i’m glad it’s over.

this is from an ink splatter i did
a few days ago
when i was feeling this terrible energy.
you can tell,
the ink is pretty agitated.

inkstainsleepover

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Author: emje

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, homesteading, fermenting, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

3 thoughts on “sleepover”

  1. Is he going to come back?

    Is your anger because he won’t give you what you need rather than not wanting him?

    Mine is because my husband doesn’t give me what I need a lot of the time. I have things inside that I need to talk about and he won’t go there or gets angry with me for bringing it up …… He’s getting better thankfully. Not so asshole-ish selfish …

    Your last post – anger because you aren’t getting what you need emotionally. That is me. I listened to the audiobook “hold me tight” by Sue Johnson. It explained everything to me … how I push away and get angry because my emotional attachment needs aren’t met. And now I am not sure how to take down the wall …. I guess that takes trust. And I am in short supply of that. And because my husband couldn’t be bothered listening to all of it I pushed away and got angry again ….. My attachment needs definitely aren’t being met by him. So. Anger. Push away. Distrust.

    Anyway … it doesn’t make you a cunt. It makes you a human. And humans are sometimes seemingly cuntish because we are imperfect.

    love love from another seemingly cuntish imperfect human love love

    btw my kids were at the computer with me and saw your picture on the top of your blog. “wow do those kids really know Luke Skywalker – AND HANS SOLO – AND …(ALL THE OTHERS).” Ha. Now they expect me to make a photo like that of them!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i did that picture for a digital media class i took. i thought it captured the essence of my homelife. haha.
      i have given nate a million chances to work with me on this. he claims i have not. he doesn’t listen to me and then tells me i’m not saying anything. i am tired of doing all the work while another adult sits & plays video games or gets high. i would rather be by myself (or hire a handsome handy man) than live like that–feeling invalidated every step of the way. i’m just done. i have given him so many chances & he has manipulated me in every way. it feels good to stand up for myself.
      he is not coming back.
      i will not let him.
      i keep telling myslef, “you are doing the right thing.”
      if he wants to change, he will have to do it on his own.
      i’m done.

      Like

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