this is not the person i am supposed to be

i feel like a failure.
what’s worse is that i feel like i am a failure at being a failure.
other people seem to be able to make a life out of failing.
i can’t even do that.
i want to tear a hole in the world with my teeth.
there is so much pain inside of me.
and when it comes out–
i feel even worse because i am causing pain.
i won’t tell you.
but i am a monster.
an awful horrible monster.
and that is not who i am supposed to be.
i don’t know why i am a monster.
i want to be a good person. a helpful person.
a loving
and nice
person.
i can see that person in my head.
but i am not that person.
i am a monster.
i can see in my head
the person i was supposed to be.
kind & nurturing.
not a complete fucking mess
so angry at the world that it tears me apart
and spills ruination on anyone
everyone
around me.

i tried to so spells
wear stones
to help me find balance
let go of negative thought patterns.
i failed.
i think i somehow charged the stones
to do the opposite.
now i am an even bigger mess.

i started reading jenny lawson’s book
furiously happy
which highlights her struggles with mental illness
you know
in a funny & heartwarming way….

fuck me
i am frankenstein’s monster.
i am
i wanted to love…
but all i can do is cause fear
and disgust.
an abomination.
i am an abomination.

i was once a sweet child.
a hopeful child.
but i grew into an abomination.

 

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Author: em4mighty

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

13 thoughts on “this is not the person i am supposed to be”

  1. OMG this resonated so much with me …. we really do need to get together for a drink and vanquish the monsters in us. Perfect time to leave the states and come to visit !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i’m sorry you have felt this way too–but glad that someone understands ❀ i would love to run away from my life and come there for a drink. i keep feeling like every day i am saying, "i'm not going to fuck up today." and then each night i am like, "okay…tomorrow…i'm not going to fuck up tomorrow."

      Like

      1. Its a horrible place to be …… depression and anger I think. Sometimes I see a light and I’m in a normal state of being (although what is normal – false happiness??) but usually I’m under a blanket and my response to this is to lash out…. become the monster. Sometimes the silent monster. Sometimes the screeching banshee monster.

        Bt those times when I’m in a normal state – not happy – just normal and level – I can see me.

        I think the illusion of happiness is such a crock of shit. I don’t believe we are supposed to be happy all the time – but level. I think being unhappy is a crock of shit too. I think we have forgotten the tools of wholeness which is embracing all of it … the happy, the unhappy …. the joy and the despair … I want to do that in a healthy way.

        I have avoided the stones .. they look at me from my little pagan alter and whisper for me to take them. And I ignore them because I know I would give them energy that no one wants.

        I’ve been thinking a lot about all this lately. I’ve been thinking about meditation and yoga again – I used to do it a lot. But my mind doesn’t seem to want to go there …. I think I have to ride through this until my mind WANTS it. Or have extensive psychotherapy!

        Maybe it is just accepting where we are at? Maybe when we accept it and know that it isn’t US but an expression of hurt inside that we haven’t been able to deal with – maybe then we can move past it. Perhaps acceptance comes first. What is coming out of us is in everyone. We are everything. We are just expressing it because we can’t accept it. Life isn’t fair …. hard one for me because fairness has been a huge motivation for me in the past …. but something I have to accept and move through ….

        “what are you doing mum” … the call of the unschooled children.

        Have a wonderful night Em xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. i’ve been angry for so long, i’m not sure i know how to be anything else. i was wondering today why i can’t just be sad like other depressed people. why do i have to be so fucking pissed off?
        i’m a failure as a witch. i tried to join a fb group and they just annoyed the crap out of me. i try to do spells and they backfire.
        everything i wish for comes true in the most awful way.
        i dunno.
        is it too late to be normal?
        i used to worry that i would be such a good mom that my kids would be boring…i don’t worry about that anymore.
        ah crap.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I don’t worry about my kids being boring either πŸ™‚ Great way to look at it!

        I’m a crap witch too. I think I’m a solitary person so the whole group thing makes me shudder – all the insecurities come up and the “I’m not good enough” stuff …. and my manifestations won’t work because I don’t believe in myself enough anymore.

        Its not too late …. but I don’t aspire to be normal. I aspire to be at peace. I’m not sure how to get there. Does that mean I need to leave and go my own way. I can’t seem to take that step for long periods. I’m part of a family however dysfunctional that is.

        I think I just need time off sometimes. Time to be me and explore me again. Time to get into the space where healing and self actualisation can occur….

        But I miss my kids too much. A week is the most I can be without them. And that is a struggle and multiple daily phone calls.

        and yep – ah crap.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. me either… but I don’t like normal society so I wouldn’t want to be one of those normal people.

        I was talking to my friend who is an indigenous elder. I said that I just don’t fit anywhere … not into “my” culture, and not into indigenous culture (although this fits with my outlook more – the healthy traditional indigenous culture not the fucked-up-by-western-culture indigenous culture). But it is just fact that I don’t fit. I don’t get into the hippy dippy balonie (thanks for that saying Lego movie!) stuff – having to think a certain way or wear certain clothes.

        I just wish I lived in a society that we could all just be. whatever we want. whoever we want. without judgement. with acceptance. namaste.

        Such a unrealistic concept given our culture … but that is what I want. Which is probably why I live on a mountain away from it all.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. i don’t fit in. i didn’t fit into my hometown–nor my birth family. i try to find that place. i never have. i moved around a lot looking for it. i never found it. when i was a kid, i surmised that i was probably not from this planet. i would find people who–on paper–seemed to be just like me. but either i have not enough of something or too much of something and i just don’t fit in.
        sucks because i crave a community so badly.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Did one of those quizzes once that said I was a star child. Maybe we are souls from another planet.
        I crave community so badly as well. And I guess I can have it if I make the effort, but I’m so uncomfortable with not really fitting that I don’t make the effort. Or I am worried that I it will seem like I’m making too much effort in an attempt to fit that I don’t bother making an effort so it doesn’t seem like I am …..
        My thought processes are definitely alien!

        Like

      7. i want to turn this little piece of land i am on into an artist colony/cooperative farm/bed & breakfast. then i can have a turn-over of community. i think that would make me less anxious. then if a good fit comes along, they could stay!

        Like

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