i feel like a failure.
what’s worse is that i feel like i am a failure at being a failure.
other people seem to be able to make a life out of failing.
i can’t even do that.
i want to tear a hole in the world with my teeth.
there is so much pain inside of me.
and when it comes out–
i feel even worse because i am causing pain.
i won’t tell you.
but i am a monster.
an awful horrible monster.
and that is not who i am supposed to be.
i don’t know why i am a monster.
i want to be a good person. a helpful person.
i can see that person in my head.
but i am not that person.
i am a monster.
i can see in my head
the person i was supposed to be.
kind & nurturing.
not a complete fucking mess
so angry at the world that it tears me apart
and spills ruination on anyone
i tried to so spells
to help me find balance
let go of negative thought patterns.
i think i somehow charged the stones
to do the opposite.
now i am an even bigger mess.
i started reading jenny lawson’s book
which highlights her struggles with mental illness
in a funny & heartwarming way….
i am frankenstein’s monster.
i wanted to love…
but all i can do is cause fear
i am an abomination.
i was once a sweet child.
a hopeful child.
but i grew into an abomination.