the gathering

so y’all remember when i became obsessed with lynda barry and tried to get her to be my friend?
no?
well, do you remember when i became obsessed with amanda palmer and tried to get her to be my friend?
fine…nevermind.
so i’m reading jenny lawson’s book furiously happy and i’m trying really hard not to message her or anything because i really don’t think i can take more rejection right now. i tried to comment on her blog…and the comment never showed up. so now i’m wondering if she just deleted it for being irrelevant? or i fucked up posting it? but i can’t risk trying again because…you know…the rejection part.
maybe if i had had more than just imaginary friends as a kid.
and as a grown-up.
i’m probably fucking up my kids by homeschooling them & not being enough of an extrovert to get them out to meet other kids and now they will someday stalk celebrities that they feel a false sense of connection with….

wait.
that was not where i was going with this.
so i’m reading her book….
i just lost my train of thought because poppy will not use the toilet on his own–he is completely capable–but will not do it. if i don’t take him, he screams at me until i do…then if i forget & wander off without carrying him back to where we started, he screams until i do. yesterday he broke a mirror because i didn’t carry him from the bathroom when he was done peeing…but that’s not where i was going with this either.
but it kind of was.
i cannot handle my life.
i fucked up by trying to have a life.
i cannot handle my dogs.
my kids.
my house.
my yard.
my chickens.
my sheep have overgrown toenails that apparently it is up to me to trim and i just don’t want to do it. i just don’t. i don’t want to do any of it. i want to quit.
quit.
quit.
quit.
but that’s not really an option. is it? i mean, i could sylvia plath…or kramer vs. kramer…but those options have a lot of terrifying consequences.

there it is!
so i am reading her book, and i am confused by her husband. first he seems like a pain in the ass. but she seems to really like him? i keep thinking of him as being played by colin firth and was going to message her that…but, you know, rejection.
so!
then i realize, he is like the voice of sanity in her life. he is her port of safety. then i think, i would really like someone like that in my life. you know, instead of always being in relationships with men who are looking for mothers & try to make me the sane one–the responsible one–the grown-up.
i’m not.
and all these years of having to pretend to know what i’m doing…
it has done it’s damage.
so i need jenny lawson’s victor.
except…i don’t think i could find a sane man (or woman) who would love me & take care of me and that would be asking a lot since i also want that person to help around the house…so i realized that i have to hire someone to be my port of safety.
i need a companion.
a nurse.
a personal assistant.
someone who can talk me in off the ledge.
and buy me ice cream.
i have to hire someone to fill this position. but i have no money. so i have to sell my art to make money to hire someone to take care of me.
that is my new plan.

(crap, looking at the original ink stain, i think i could have done more with this…but my brain feels like a bag of broken glass…so….)

inkstains-5

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Author: emje

i'm a disaster at every type of relationship i enter into...except with my kids. i think i'm doing something right there...but it is difficult to tell sometimes, especially since i have a pretty crappy support system since support involves relationships. i am a pretty dark person with a weird sense of humor. i spend my non-mom time cooking, baking, homesteading, fermenting, planting, sprouting, experimenting, reading, writing, drawing, plotting, obsessing, and hiding. as a mom i am about as unconventional as i can get. i unschool my kids & give them a lot of freedom to be who they are. this does not help my popularity. but my kids are super cool. i love my kids.

5 thoughts on “the gathering”

  1. OMG sounds like my kids. I am waiting – not so patiently – for the day I don’t have to wipe someone’s ass (and they can do it themselves now but still want me to!!).

    I wonder whether my kids will be fucked up because I AM THE SAME. I’m not an extrovert. I don’t like mixing with people a lot. I don’t like the judging mothers who also home school. Maybe I imagine the judging – but I don’t think so. And what if they reject me (like my husband did during his affair) for someone younger and prettier. What if they reject me.. I too have the rejection issue. I sincerely hope that my kids won’t …. but I don’t know how to foster healthy self esteem in them without them growing up to be full of themselves wankers. It wasn’t role modelled for me so I have no clue how to do it.

    Ah that feeling of quitting. Our water pump broke so for the last 2 weeks I’ve been bucketing water. This happened the day one of my dogs ate something so disgusting (don’t know what!!!) and vomited all over my folded washing that I spent many days doing after some time away. I felt like quitting. If that wasn’t enough the generator broke for 2 days. I felt like quitting. And then the car broke and we had to pull money out of our asses to get it fixed and we still don’t have enough to pay for it. And I’m just generally in a bad mood. Some days better than others.

    We are supposed to go to a party this weekend. I’m hoping that the guy fixing our car won’t let us take it until it is paid for (unlikely as he’s a friend) and then I have an excuse not to go. I like the people who will be there, but I’m in that brain funk clouded by craziness and unhealthy self esteem/confidence etc. But when I get there I will enjoy it. Great Bands. Free Food. Free Alcohol. But because of the brain funk I will probably get completely pissed and embarrass myself. And I have no money for the other things that could help me enjoy myself and increase my ability to not embarrass myself.

    Fuck it.

    Ah the joy of low self esteem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ugg–sorry for all your difficulties. i know how that is.
      i realized some time during the night the reason why other women seem to attract all this loving energy & attention & i seem to repel it. instead of sad depression, i get the super pissed off depression. i get self-destructive–but i also get aggressive & mean–angry & bitter.
      so no sympathy for me 😦 being angry is so unattractive…so unfeminine…so i get to suffer alone.
      poop.
      except when i meet other pissed off women ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah but you get angry for a reason. I’m sure you don’t walk up to someone and tell them to fuck off just because! (or do you….. 😉 ) And the ones that don’t give sympathy are the ones who piss you off in the first place!!!
        You only suffer alone because you are still in a situation that makes you angry …. and depressed …
        And it seems as though you have told the “situation” to not come back – so ….
        Maybe without the “situation” you will bloom into a woman who attracts all that good energy and love x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And btw – the water pump arrived – WATER IN THE HOUSE AGAIN YAY!!! And the generator is fixed. And so is the car.

        Normal life again.

        And we will be going to the party this weekend… hopefully fun time!

        Liked by 1 person

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