changing of the seasons

today
like every day of late
i struggle
between the dark
& the light.
as the days grow
shorter
i grow
darker.
this is a difficult time of year
for me.
all growing up,
the holidays were times
of more childhood trauma.
then my dad went into rehab
when i was 17
right in time for the holidays.
i didn’t want him to come back
and dreaded visiting him
staring at the houses full of holiday cheer
on our drive to dysfunction.
then as a grown-up
my brother died
right in time for the holidays.
then,
like when i was a kid
a messed up family life
became that much more obvious
with the holidays
when all other families seem so…
so normal…
in a good way
and all i feel is empty & lost….

this year i am trying
to swim my way back to the light
even as the days grow darker
with the season.
this year i want to fight
the dark that creeps
crawls
grasps at my soul.

this year i don’t want to just
survive
the holidays.
i want to thrive.
and i want to show my children
that there is light
in the darkness.

(my ink stain)

inkstainpan

happy birthday, mike

my big brother
it was on this day
eight years ago
that i last spoke to him.

it was after his death
that i started going by the name
“em”
he was my “M”
he was mike; i was mary jo
in our family
there were two P’s
two S’s
and the two M’s
he was my “M”

now i am alone
em alone

i miss my big brother


not so tight

i like to be held
but not so tight
a million years ago
i wrote a short story
about a woman who would
sneak away from her lover’s grasp
in the night as he slept
she would dance
and stretch
and feel free
before sneaking back in
so that he would not feel lost
unloved
missing her

that’s kind of what it’s like
as an empath
in a dishonest relationship
giving the other person
what they want
no questions asked
and only sneaking away
if at all
to fulfill your own needs.

but no more.
no more for me.
i like to be held
but not so tight.

i turned off all my empathy
to push him away
i did not do it on purpose
i wanted him to leave
and sought protection for my empathic ways
but in the doing
i shut off all my empathy–my ability to care
and was left with only tremendous anger.
so much anger.

now i am working on
turning my heart back on
working the anger out of my soul
without leaving a gap
big enough
for him to sneak back in.

i found this article today
17 things that happen when an empath loves a narcissist

and i realized that i have been doing 1-12 since 2002
but i have finally reached 14!
it is a slow and painful
so painful!
process…
but i am moving forward now.
no more circles.
no more destructive cycles.

(crap…i forgot to take a picture of the ink stain)

 

letting go

i like this one.
i wasn’t sure.
but i do.

i spent a lot of time
during inking it
to not-so-gently remind
the minions
that i do art to relax
and, for the love of god,
please stop bumping my elbow.

when you do art
to stay sane
it’s kinda counter-productive
to have four busy minions
buzzing around you as you do it.

letting go
i’m trying to let go
of my control issues
of my anger
of my patterns of misery
trying to let go
and remember why i am here
if there is in fact
any reason for me to be here
surely my minions figure into that
pretty big
and loud….

i like these chaotic inkings
the ones with god knows what
going on in them.
these are the ones that i find little treasures in
the weird little details.
these are the inkings
i learn the most about my self with.
these are the ones
that i surprise myself the most with.

i rely on instinct
zen art & ink stains
i let my brain go
and look for what i
normally
might not see.

ps. ink stain & yesterday’s work on this inking:

working on letting go

so i’m working on letting go
letting go of my anger
my abuse
my mistakes
letting go of exes
that i’ve loved & hated
letting go of lost chances
letting go of learned bad behaviors
i’m trying to let go

and i am fucking exhausted
i am everywhere
and nowhere all at once
i am light and dark
jekyl and hyde
i am breaking up the anger
that is in my bones
and pushing it out through my pores

i am letting it all go
into the universe
north, south, east, west
into the elements
earth, fire, air, water

plus the minions keep dragging me off to watch
doctor who with them

long story short
though i am trying to draw every day
i am not getting a picture finished
every day.
but here is what i worked on today:
letting go.

i am not yet done with the ink drawing
the second step after the ink stain
the second layer of ink
i will finish it
then i will use ink & brush
then i will finish with more pen.

stay tuned!

fly away

so many of my drawings
i want to name “escape”
only to realize that i’ve already
named a drawing that
why am i so often
thinking of escape?

i have this ex-husband
who emails every once in awhile
all flirty and remorseful
wishing he hadn’t
wished me away
even proposing marriage
once more.
but the minute i say
“where was this love
when you had me?”
he disappears again
saying,
“i will bother you no more.”

until the next time
he is filled with flirty remorse
i suppose.

i have this ex-husband
who likes to lie in wait
like a lion watching for a limping
deer
he waits for me to weaken
and pounces
all big blue eyes
and intense energy.
devouring my heart
my soul
and leaving me
empty.

i have to die inside
to push him away
because he is an
infestation.

i am angry
so angry at these two men
so fucking pissed off.
i am sport to them
but they want to call it
love.

deer me

i didn’t draw a picture yesterday
yes
i posted a picture
but i did not draw a picture
the crying lady
was drawn
egads
six years ago?
a historian of me
and my art
would have you notice the lack of ink brush painting
the use of pastels
the relatively light–
but still inaccurate–
shadowing….
so i didn’t draw yesterday. i was rabid most of the day. evil nasty pissy me was in charge of my brain yesterday. i did do some ink splattering, however. i probably should have posted that, at least, but–you know–rabies.
so i started a drawing today after the weirdness of thanksgiving was done
(why did my elderly aunt ask me if i had gotten my concealed carry license???)
i started a drawing but did not get too far before the minions were begging me to watch moreĀ doctor who. (more, doctor who, mummy–more!…i love my minions)

a deer.
there is a deer, clear as the day if the day were inside my head amidst the sparks & sinkholes.
a deer.
a reminder to be gentle.
be gentle, deer me.
be gentle.
my bones ache and teem with anger. repressed anger. oozing anger. anger that is easily directed at undeserving targets and leaves me knowing i am going to have a lot to make up in my next life….
be gentle.
i see deer a lot since a friend read me a medicine card with a deer in it. of course i live in the middle of the prairie lands…but still. one day four walked across the road in front of my car in the middle of a town. one night driving home, a buck darted right in front of my car. a doe stood, making me come to a stop, several yards past him. one day while gardening, a deer made her way across the field next to my yard, stopping to stare at me whenever my movements rustled the leaves around me.

be gentle.

meanwhile, i have banished an ex-husband and another ex-husband starts sending flirty emails. but the thing about my exes, they all have such thin skin. i have found that honesty sends them skittering away. i’m not trying to be mean…honest…i just tell them how i feel when they use me as a distraction…and they skitter away.

honesty is brutal. but it is also gentle. lies may hurt less, but they will kill you in the end.