twilight with sunflowers

is this my normal
is this my baseline
is happiness
just a
blip
on the scanner
every once
in
awhile
the status quo
however
is barely being able
to find a reason
to get out of
bed.

i’m feeling better since i wrote this. halloween gets me all giddy. i am making the kids do a dress rehearsal today.
but when i feel down down down in the dark dark dark…it does feel like a forever thing.
of course, when i’m back up again–it feels that much more magical.

selkie sky

who am i?
i cannot quite
connect
the dots
to complete my picture
hag
crone
single mom
mundane
fraud
something in the corner
of my life
just
out of
sight
some missing
piece
to my puzzle
i keep feeling
like if i could just
get those dots
to line up
to connect
i would be something
better.

this is also an ongoing theme for me. like when i saw the lady in the water way back when, i understood the feeling of not quite grasping the key…the ability…to express what i want to express. what i need to express. the idea that will just make everything click into place….

i was totally excited that a selkie showed up in this inking. i might explore that subject matter in future projects.

this sucks

how am i still
failing
at something i have been doing
every
day
for fifteen years?
sometimes
it is the
only
thing i do
yet still
i suck
at being a mom
the one thing
i thought
once upon a time
i might
be good at.

this is an ongoing thing for me. one day maybe i won’t feel this way? or the world will end….

there is a page now on the commons website about my exhibit!
also, still available, that book i wrote….

something different

i should try something
different
i think
this
obviously
isn’t working
i gesture to the life
around me
the chaos i am
waist deep
in
the disorder
the depression
the overwhelming
sense
of helplessness…
i should try something
different
i whisper
to myself
but for the life of me
i cannot
think
of anything else
i haven’t
already
tried.

dipping my toes in darkness…again. yesterday i was dancing…today not so much. but, you know, the dance of life, the dance we do as we try to get better–two steps forward one step back.
which means, i am always dancing.
but the music changes….

just keep dancing

i have decided to join
the church
of ann-margret
if i look
half as fabulous
when i am almost 80
if i can
shake my ass
half as gloriously
when i am her age…
i have accepted
the teachings
of ann-margret
into my heart
never
stop
dancing & being
fabulous.

i was binge watching “happy” & ann-margret appeared to me in a vision of loveliness and changed my life
or at least gave it a push in a good direction
so now
much like in west side story
i am determined to dance my troubles out.

(adopting this philosophy is still a work in progress & might take awhile to fully adopt, but my first step is a dance step)

if wishes were frogs

i regret
that i only have
one beer in my
fridge…
ideally
i should have
one drink per child
available to me
at
all
times.

self-medicating…. proof that i am not an alcoholic, when i wrote this, there were actually two more beers in my fridge…i just wasn’t looking hard enough.
you may have guessed i’m still struggling with stress levels & being a mom…& just for shits & giggles, dusty is freaking out on me again now too. but i have a new coping mechanism for that….
sock puppet renditions of “texts from exes”!! coming soon to a youtube channel near you.

ps. for anyone wanting a copy of my book. i just need your address & $10 sent to my paypal or mailed to me (ask me for my address).
you can email me at: quixoticmama@gmail.com

wasted

my life has been
a complete
waste
of time
&
it’s not
that i want to die…
i just want to punish
everyone
who has ever claimed
to love
me.

more dark thoughts from poppy’s birthday. i would write more…but i’m feeling kinda crappy again.
today is my dead mom’s birthday (we had issues)…& having physical copies of my book on hand is making me spin out a bit & feel like a raging fraud/waste of space.
so, yeah, wasted….

fort building

here is a box of me
a box of my comics
my art
my thoughts & stories
here is a box
that kind of
terrifies me
no one is going to want this,
i tell myself
oh fuck…what if someone reviews me?
how will i answer them
when they ask me,
who the fuck do i think i am….
remember
when you were 17
& you just knew
you were
destined
for greatness
ready to take on the world
a famous novelist
in the making?
what ever happened
to
that
girl?

so, yeah…. if you want an autographed copy of my book, let me know. meanwhile, i will be using them as weight while building my blanket fortress of solitude….

blown away

i feel like
i have kept myself alive
for far longer
than has served
any
purpose
done things
that never needed
were never meant
to be
done
&
now
cannot be undone
as i stubbornly plow forward
with this life
like a person
in a strong wind
holding tight
with all
their
might
so as not to be
blown
away.

ah more motherhood regrets as i feel like a complete shit of a mom. yay.
i am feeling better now.
it all seemed to accumulate on poppy’s birthday…all my festering feelings of not being able to hack it. & then getting physically sick despite my working so hard on my immune system–making it clear to me that i really really need to address my stress overload.
i wonder sometimes, if it weren’t for the whole/organic foods, art journaling, & yoga…would i just be dead from the stress.

miserable creature

was there ever
joy
in my life
have i always been this
miserable creature
i see
in the mirror
was my heart ever
a light place
or
was this darkness
just born to me?

so on top of a head cold, two of my sons had birthdays this past week. my seven year old was a difficult one. the pregnancy was physically easy, but emotionally a trainwreck.
dusty found a shiny new girlfriend while i was pregnant for poppy. that went on throughout the pregnancy, birth, & first two years of poppy’s life.
so, unfortunately, a day where i should feel happiness turns me into a puddle of misery as i remember how awful i felt for those years.

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