letting my guard down

how do you let
go
that part of you
that kept you
alive
kept you
safe
kept you strong
at your very
worst
how do you give it
up
once it has served
it’s purpose?
i think
maybe
you hold it in your hand
whisper
“thank you”
& let it melt away
or be carried off
by the wind.

another optimistic post with a distressed looking illustration. last night when i worked on this, i was cursing enlightenment & wishing for a mundane life.
my dreams cheered me up with promises of new possibilities & new tribe members. (in one dream i was totally dating a rock musician whose radio hit song was “my first car was a practical car”…totally not sure what my subconscious was doing there–but it was fun & cheered me up)

let the sun shine in

i was happily tucked away
in my dark
dark
corner…
was i though?
was i
happy?
(no one puts
baby
in a corner)
i totally thought
i belonged
in that
corner
i thought i
belonged
in a shoebox
with holes
punched
in the lid
to let in
a little light…
but
what if that is not
enough
what if that little taste
of light
leaves me hungry
for more?

so it happens that i write down my thoughts as they come through me–as i need to vomit out what i am feeling.
then i go back & illustrate on a different day…during, very possibly, a different mood.
so my words can sound hopeful…while my illustration looks positively disturbed. or vice versa.

super nova

i am bathed in sunlight
i am the center
of the universe
galaxies form
inside me
stars explode
& i am so much more
than just a cobwebby little
hole in the ground
(sometimes i feel like
a cobwebby little hole
in the ground)
but today
today
i am a super nova
holding the almighty
sun
in the palm of my
hand.

another very zen day for me apparently. i always think of return of the jedi when i write posts like this. han solo saying, “i’m out of it for a little bit & everyone gets delusions of grandeur.”

also, i started it on one day & finished it on another. so maybe there is a bit of a hiccup in the sentiment of the verse?

but, like yesterday, empowerment. it’s nice to feel empowered.

dancing with the fey

we are the children of the fey
with green blood
running in our veins
a wildness
in our hearts
we dance
to a music
only we can hear
we live by words
everyone else
has forgotten
our purpose
is to bring a remembering
to turn our heart’s music
way
way up
so everyone can hear
so everyone
can dance.

i’m reading a book the way of the wild witch & it resonates quite a bit with me most times. some times not as much…but when the author writes about having fey blood passed on from years ago when the fey & humans were yummy with one another…that totally struck a chord with me
i was all like “of course–that’s why i’m this way!”
feral & green & always feeling like i don’t quite fit in….
so that was kind of cool
& empowering.
weird for a reason, y’all.

letting go

balance
again
i find
a need for
balance
when to let go
when to surrender
& when to be
responsible
not delinquent…
learn how to ask myself
“what is the worst
that could happen?”
and let fate
take its
course….

i wrote this ten days ago when i was all “i’m so zen”
then a few days back, i lost my mind to that rabid bunny that creeps about in the dark places of my mind. i became all about control & trying to make things–force things–to go my way when clearly they just weren’t. i could feel the zen still there under the rabid bunny action…but there seemed to be nothing i could do to subdue said bunny.
until i let go
again.
so it’s finding that balance. between zen & rabies. between snarky & enlightened.
it’s a process…..

dreamscape

under layers
& layers
of dreams
never
truly knowing
if i am awake
or have just
woken
to another
dream
the
vulnerability
of sleep
grips me
tight
&
i fear for things
I cannot
name
trapped
in a world
i created.

seed or stone? (the second page)

how do i warm
to the idea of a
relationship
when so many
relationships
have brought me
pain?
how do i convince myself
“sure, let’s try this
again”
let’s invite
another
into my heart
my life
my bed
when all i know
is pain?
the sun needs to warm
the cold stone
i call my
heart
so it can
sprout
so it can
grow
into a majestic tree
green
&
fruitful.

this is the second page of a two page spread as i try to soften & open myself to relationships after a lifetime of keeping my heart shielded.

seed or stone?

I am a mushy plum
with a stone
for a heart
can i love?
am i even
able
to accept a man
into that hard hard
heart
of mine?
i think i am afraid
to make someone
happy
after so so many years
of being
so so
successful
at making others
miserable
what if
i would rather
make you cry
than to see
your smile?

i am thinking a lot about opening myself up to love. something i have not done for many many years–if ever. i built all these walls and traps to keep love away. now i am ready to think about family. and to me, family includes a relationship with a man.
but sometimes when i imagine being in a relationship…i just feel terrified.
and then i wonder if i am even capable of being in a relationship….

(here is the complete page–tomorrow’s post will be the opposite page to today’s)

focus III

the trick to clarity
to focus
is to recognize it
to capture it
quietly
quietly
do not spook it
use it
when you find it
it is not
something you can keep
in a jar
like dead fireflies
clarity
focus
is an eyelash
to make a wish on
before it blows
away
do not
waste
that wish.

one last one on clarity & focus? after 30 or more years of pretending i didn’t know how to, i have started meditating. working on breaking down walls i have built. working on letting good things into my life instead of letting them drown in my moat….

another illustration i really don’t care for. that happens sometimes…but here it is, i’m not hiding anything from y’all. you get to see it all, even the bits i’m not at all proud of….

emerging

there is no room
to stretch
my body hurts
what was supposed to protect
(& did in its time)
now suffocates
& limits growth
encouraging
stagnation
&
decay….
so!
i close my eyes
& visualize
the blood pumping
into wet wings
growing
stronger
growing beautiful
& amazing
i will lift & soar
on the warm sunny wind
i will float
like magic
towards the light
of my moon.

this should be the last one on breaking out of a cocoon because i think i have done it. the new year helped me to shed the last of my old skin and now i can breathe!
my kids were with their dad the whole first week of this year, enabling me to fully dive into my emergence…if that makes sense.
with their return, i have felt a stumble in my force…a hiccup…but i can see it & understand it & am certain i can be a mom, an artist, and a whole person, all three at the same time even!

ps. this is one of the crap inkings i mentioned in my previous post. but! i do try to post all my pages whether i like how they turn out or not. tomorrow will be another one i don’t especially like…but i am working on one for the two pages after that that i really like.

stay tuned!

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