inner child problems

my masculine is the
protective & loyal dog
my feminine
is the fiercely protective
bear
so who keeps opening the door
for strangers
with ill intent?
who keeps opening
my arms
to energy vampires
& narcissists?
there she is
my inner child
who grew up
confusing abuse
for love…
there she is
my inner child
ready to rescue
everyone else
because she hasn’t learned
how to be her own
hero.

i used medicine cards to determine my masculine & feminine spirit animals. totally accurate.
so then i was hiking a cold & snowy hill recently, trying to figure out why i could have such strong protection, yet still fall victim to abusive partners & friendships. i wanted to figure out why i let myself be such a victim when i have such a self-protective nature?
i need to figure it out so i can knock it the fuck off.
this is what i came up with. my inner child (and my empath) are mucking up the works by ignoring red flags in favor of trying to save everyone.
okay…
so now i just need to figure out how to teach them how to love themselves first? easy, right?

invitation to the dance

in typical style of me
i invited my mother
my feminine
to come into power
&
ended up squashing
my masculine
throwing me
out of whack
in a whole other direction
now
i invite my warrior male
back
while still honoring
my soft & yielding feminine
encouraging them
to dance
to blend & whirl
to teach me
when to be vulnerable
& when
to take no prisoners.

i have always had a very strong masculine side. i have started writing some creative non-fiction about what i termed (in the early ’90s) to be my “gender confusion.”
i have always punished myself for not being able to pull off the feminine…for being too manly in nature, but i have also always liked that about myself.
except i thought i was wrong for it….
so i tried so hard to get in touch with my softer side…and must have succeeded? because now i really miss my masculinity & my inner tough guy.
so it’s a dance.
but at least i’m trying to move to the music that is me.

full moon wishes for 2022

i made a vision board
for the third year running
the past two have worked well in finding me my
madness manor
& helping me through my struggles
as a mom
this year the focus is on success & hotties.

blanket of anger

my anger is a blanket
i cannot
get out from under
no matter
how i struggle
i am suffocating
in my own
anger
i kick & kick & kick…
he cannot hear me
no matter how loud
i scream
& all i can hear
is echoes of him
in our children
i scream
& scream
& scream
& no one hears me
& nothing changes.

yup. more angst at the ex. fuck me when my kids start trying to gaslight me in a little mini-him gesture. i have no tolerance for it. i call them on it.
do i call him on it?
would it do any good?
i guess, at least, i can hope to raise a handful of men who do not gaslight. who know better….

i wonder why

i wonder why
i so easily
put others’
needs
others’ feelings
ahead of my own
leaving myself
in my sad
cocoon
of resentment.

another dusty inspired journal page. since he has been fired from his job and is waiting for the universe to drop another one in his lap, he has been messing big time with the kid schedule and spending way way way too much time at my house. it has me all out of whack.
and angsty.
i decided to stand up and say something, and he conceded to me saying, “you get your way.”
that was after two days of my saying something as nicely as i could before finally getting morose. after almost 20 years, i still don’t know how to talk to him. every approach at having a mature conversation ends with my being punished.
i just want things to go back to the way they were–where i only saw him twice a month–briefly–to drop off/pick up kids.
my life is so much easier when dusty & i are not “friends.”

the hills are alive

the hills are gone this morning. your logical mind dismisses it as a heavy fog brought on by a warm day in a cold season, but you know, the hills are gone. they surely woke up. stood. stretched & yawned & left on a walk about. the world ends there now, you think as you look at where there were once trees & is now nothing but white colored nothing.
why doesn’t anyone else see it?
the sleeping giants have gone adventuring & left an end to the world unguarded. a gateway to another place? you know the hills will return before the “fog” clears. you think about walking out…out to where the world now ends, but you are not ready.
not today.
not this time.

when to vanish

i must duck
to avoid being
entangled
in the wires that hold
him up
i must crawl
under the smoke
so that i can endure
his fire
i must bob & weave
& even
run & hide
as if i were a silly rabbit
& he
a clever fox
not always does
a warrior stand tall
sometimes
she must know
how to
when to
vanish.

i haven’t gotten any new art done in a bit, but i did feel like coloring in some journal pages…so there will be a few days of those.
i have been working on stabilizing some bad energy…some saturating negativity that is clogging up my works. it all seems to be centering on my ex. he is trying to worm his way back in, and i am trying to figure out how to move forward. how to step over him to continue my journey.
i did go to a thrift store and buy a dozen pieces of framed art from which i will pillage the materials to get my inkings done to hang in a coffee shop in viroqua (magpie gelato)…i will keep y’all updated on that endeavor.

together; apart

new year
old problems
i feel the anger i have
over trampled boundaries
turns me into
creature
made of fire & stone
more base
than magical.

the ex regularly ignores my attempts at boundaries as i so easily cave into his needs while burying my own.
then i get to see echoes of this behavior in my children.
and i feel myself transforming into that awful person i don’t want to be.
so what do i need to do?
well, learn to value myself, at least….

“together; apart” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45
“how do i learn to value myself” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45

give me your pain

awaiting chimney work
so i can hook up a woodburning cookstove
madness manor
is nippy as fuck
but i stay optimistic
for 2022
planning an art show
considering submissions
selling books & artwork already
though the year has just begun
my feet may be cold
but my heart is warm.

“give me your pain” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

without smooches

happy new year
y’all
smooches for everyone
open up the door
let the old year out
& the new one
in.

without smooches” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

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