gentle now

i remember those bosses
at inconsequential jobs
being mean
just to be mean
believing that being nice
being gentle
would lead to disrespectful
employees
here i am
being mean to myself
just to be mean
believing
i don’t deserve nice
i don’t deserve gentle
& if i am sweet
to me
i might forget
who’s the boss.

thoughts as my knee forces me to treat myself gently. see? i’m learning.

queen of breakdowns

exploring my relationship
with patience
exploring my non
relationship
with patience
i want it now
now now now
patience, that is
i want it now…
alas
though i do not prescribe to
good things come to those who wait
i do believe
if it is worth having
it is worth fighting for.

i can’t tell you how many letters i have written to this man since i have broken my knee. it started out like one a week…now it is two or three a week? i have so much to say to him…but he still has nothing to say to me. nevertheless, i keep writing. not knowing if the letters are opened or not. read or not. maybe that isn’t even the point. maybe it is all just an exercise in patience.
in knowing what i want & fighting for it.
i have realized, on the topic of vulnerability, that i do feel vulnerable to him…& maybe that is why winning him back–in one capacity or another–is so important to me. i cannot be vulnerable to just anyone. but i am to him. open & exposed.

in other news…
i have been going to an energy worker/chiropractor for a few years now. river of ahz in viroqua. he is totally worth it. i have seen him for my knee (& the resulting chaos to the rest of me) twice now. both times, after, my knee has felt like a new knee.
today i am even walking with just one crutch instead of two.
& i have put a rubber tip on my bokken to use it as a walking stick as i try to wean myself off of the crutches altogether.

& speaking of breakdowns…i have not even had one today–despite the usual challenges of motherhood. so we can set the sign to 1 day since mom’s last breakdown.
yay!

queen of breakdowns…9X12 inking on watercolor paper…suggested price of $45 to $75

break my heart gently

you know what?
i don’t need an editor because i fucking rock at grammar, etc
what i do need
is a test audience
readers
who want to read my novel
& answer a few questions for me
general feedback
like
do you like me…yes or no?
can you fit your fist through any of the holes
in the plot?
that kind of thing

my only taker so far is my younger sister aka my polar opposite. i am willing to let her read it because she does get me–at least sometimes. and we did come from the same place even though we took different exits (i was vaginal; she was a c-section; i ran away to become a fry cook; she went to college, etc….)

who else wants to read a better life through sock puppets? a darkly funny story of a runaway suicidal mom? yay!
just remember, in critiquing it for me…break my heart gently.

“break my heart gently” ink on watercolor paper. 9X12. suggested price: $45 to $75

a better life through sock puppets

i am still tweaking my novel.

i am still looking for an agent.

also, i would love to trade art for some editorial advice if anyone qualified wants to read it. it’s a quick read at like not quite 58,000 words.
(candice, your name has been dropped a couple of times…just email me if you have time & interest)

in the meantime, what does any novel need if not some illustrations! 🙂

ps. fun fact…though i have written 6 novels, this is the first one i have written in the 21st century using a laptop instead of a notebook, typewriter, or word processor. this will also be the first one to be published.

daily nightly

thank you to everyone who bought art from my sale! you all are wonderful.

i’m struggling right now with the fact that being able to put weight on my leg does not mean i am back to normal. i’m sure that is a sign of the way i approach life, just assuming i can do it without putting in the work? expecting to be a success from the word “go”?
ack…doing the hard work….
instead i laid on the floor today crying because i cannot do an extended child pose in yoga. not to mention most of the other poses i did effortlessly before this.
doesn’t that count for something? that i used to be able to do it…just 3 months ago??

so i guess i have to take the long way.
again.

ppbbt.

daily nightly…9X12…$45-$75 (sliding scale)

a new day

“it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life
& i’m feeling good…”
sings the radio
as i realize
what the universe
has been screaming
at me
these past couple of years

“stop running away from the past”
stop
walking away
stop
locking up my heart
& denying the love
i know
to be true

stop
& open
let go of what was
& listen
to what is
let go of the hurt
& the anger
open
to the possibilities
of love.

i have been struggling with foot pain…first my right foot, and when it healed, my left foot developed the same problem.
then i broke my knee.
i have long suspected that it is more than just a physical thing. most my life, i have manifested physical ailments when i am ignoring an emotional one.
i have been trying to figure this one out for a long time & have felt more urgency recently thinking that if my knee break didn’t make me see it–what would the universe do to me next?
my full moon tarot card spread advised meditation.
so i meditated.
i am an antsy person who cannot sit still for very long; focus has always been a challenge, but i did a simple meditation.
in my meditation i learned that i try to do it all myself. i try to not look to other people for what i need. however, i cannot meet all of my own needs. i do need other people.
i need someone to love who loves me.

i had this once.
i miss it like crazy, but i tell myself i am weak for missing it. that i am weak for still loving this person. that love makes me weak & girly.
i struggle with my girly heart…thinking i need to re-enforce the walls around it & not fall prey to love.

but my meditation told me the opposite. my meditation told me i need to let love in.

huh.

i guess it’s worth a shot….

falling

learning to fly
means
sometimes
i fall
& even if i have
to sit
& catch my breath
what’s important
(nevermind what i do
while i’m down)
what’s important
is that
i get back up
again.

not to sound like a “hang in there kitty” poster….
and after i wrote this page i still suffered another day or two of the fall.
whiskey helped me make it through. i had not been able to get alcohol because i could not walk & neither of my fair weather friends were running out to the liquor store for me….
but!
i was able to crutch into the local festival foods & get a bottle of maple knob creek bourbon…i feel much better now. trust me, i’m too frugal to become an alcoholic, but like brick in cat on a hot tin roof, sometimes i need to hear that “click.” get that edge softened.
maybe it’s the irish in me.

so!
i’m back to believing in myself. so that’s nice.

regarding my search for friends…i started a profile on okcupid to find friends…but knowing most men never look past the picture…i am going to feature my book, the invisible exhibitionist, and just use my okcupid profile as a way to get attention for my book.
maybe i will make a friend or two along the way.
hey. it might work

super-fine art sale

help me get back on my feet 🙂
i am appealing to anyone who has any interest in my art.
below are some sale items, there is also stuff over on my “love for sale” page
& i am always happy to do commissions or something based off on of my journal pages, etc.

9X12 for $30
8×10 for $25
plus $2.50 for shipping within the U.S.

email me at quixoticmama@gmail.com with serious offers. be advised, until my knee heals (approximately september 6th), i am only able to check my email like once a week so shipping will be a little slow. once i have confirmed availability, you can send the money via paypal or check/cash.

thank you for your support!

going down (& not in the fun way)

sometimes you have to
go down
(down down down)
in order to
come up
sometimes you have to
fall
backwards
to figure out the way
forward
falling is sometimes
just
another way to fly
maybe it’s time
for you to stop
& breathe
& trust that you are on
the right path
despite
all the detours.

more thoughts on my recent emotional face plant.
all triggered by my epic motherhood fails which in turn knocked over the domino of my feeling so very alone in my single mom adventure.
and all the dominoes fell
spectacularly
burying me in my own substantial remorse.

but…i am slowly digging my way back out.
maybe today i will have the headspace to do the work towards getting an editor (unlike yesterday where i spent the day doing a jigsaw puzzle.)

also! i am up & about. moving slowly, but doing yoga, taking walks (on crutches still), and weeding my many gardens that have gone unweeded under the care of my four feral minions.

monster

i know i’m not
a complete
monster
because
as much
anger i feel
&
as much
vengeance i seek
i still worry
i will hurt your
feelings.

my reaction to yesterday’s post. i want to be mean…but i can’t be mean. bleah. i really don’t like hurting people.
i’m a retired siren.
i don’t want anyone crashing up on my rocks anymore.
however, even though i am comfortable ghosting
i don’t want folks to get the wrong idea.
i want them to know i’m pissed off.

i guess i need to find that line to walk.

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